Instapun***K.com Archive Listing
InstaPunk.Com

Archive Listing
January 9, 2013 - January 2, 2013

Friday, October 21, 2011


Republican Debates

Who forgot about Beth Phoenix... er... Newt Gingrich?

FULL CIRCLE? So Romney and Perry are slapping at one another like jealous cheerleaders. Great. Romney was wanting Anderson Cooper (?) to save him from his Rick Perry confrontation. He was almost stamping his feet. Rick Perry was in the mode of "I'll say no every time you say yeah" and "I'lll say yeah every time you say no. And your Mormon mother wears army boots." Presidential. Right. Bunch of girls gouging each other with their fingernails.

They think they're carving up the Republican electorate. Herman Cain thinks he's mopping up the blood they spill between them. How can we be in this much of a mess? The president is a disaster. All we need is a credible candidate. But Romney's a liar. Perry's a dunce. (Even I can't stand that mush-mouthed Texas twang...) Cain's an amateur in a year when, let's face it, amateurs aren't exactly what the electorate wants.

Which leaves us where we were four years ago. With the only man who can be absolutely counted on to annihilate Obama in the debates.

Boy, am I depressed.





How to Win
(N at all SFW)

We keep forgetting the "Government by the people" part of the arrangement.

IT'S SIMPLE. Stop pining for a leader. Seriously. Stop. It. This podcast explains what we really need.



You can read a half-reliable transcript after the jump.




Thursday, October 20, 2011


The Obaminator

No wonder the neo-McGovernites are confused.

THE CURSE OF MEMORY. Ah. The irony. The man who won the Nobel Peace Prize before he'd been president even a few months has precious few accomplishments to brag about. Domestically, he's turned a recession into what looks to be an FDR-style generational depression. In foreign policy, he's concluded no peace treaties of any kind and has succeeded in pissing off such long-term allies as the U.K., Germany, and Israel.

So what's his claim to fame? He's managed to engineer the violent deaths of three leaders of the muslim world he kowtowed to in his apologetic "outreach" to Islam:† Bin Laden, Awlaki, and Qaddafi. And some members of his own party are hopping mad about his kill order on Awlaki because he was an American and absolutely in line with the Democrats on matters of foreign policy. How could Hating America First be a killing offense?

It wouldn't be so funny if he had any other foreign policy successes. But he doesn't. Just last week, the Germans told him to piss off and mess out of the E.U.'s ongoing financial meltdown. "Like we need your advice, Mr. Deficit...) And we understand the Mexicans are very understanding about the Fast & Furious program that killed one Border Patrol agent and 200 Mexicans. Although the Iranians do appreciate the fact that his sanctions against an intended act of war on U.S. soil amount to holding their man-purse in the teacher's drawer until the end of the day's classes.

But with all the sixties nostalgia that's going on, we can't help thinking of the old chant outside the Johnson White House: ""Hey, hey, LBJ! How many kids did you kill today?"

Hey, hey, BHO! How many hits are still to go?

No wonder the Republican party leadership is too nervous to point out that the jobs bill is exclusively about government jobs. I mean, drones work just as well over the Maryland suburbs as they do over Afghanistan.

We won't know for sure until he announces that his 2012 campaign slogan is, "I'll be back."


With a pronunciation of the letter "a" that matches his pronunciation of "Pakistan."




Wednesday, October 19, 2011


We're Not Doing Our Job.


I TOLD YOU NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING.... I don't care what all the other polls say. Generic Republican beats Obama. Herman Cain beats Obama. 64 percent hold Federal Government More to Blame than Wall Street. OWS protesters know Nothing about Economics. Here's the real kick in the teeth:

A new survey shows that Americans overwhelmingly support the self-styled Occupy Wall Street protests that not only have disrupted life in Lower Manhattan but also in Washington and cities and towns across the U.S. and in other nations. Some 59 percent of adults either completely agree or mostly agree with the protesters, while 31 percent mostly disagree or completely disagree; 10 percent of those surveyed didnít know or refused to answer...

When it comes to the question of how to pay for the Democratic jobs bill, most respondents were more than willing to place a special burden on the wealthy. Those surveyed were asked about a possible 5 percent surtax on those earning more than $1 million annually...† A whopping 68 percent of adults support the Democratic surtax to pay for the cost of their jobs plan. Only 27 percent opposed the tax, while 5 percent didnít know. Men and women split almost identically on the issue, and black non-Hispanics were more supportive of the surtax than white non-Hispanics, with 84 percent supporting the idea...

Throughout the fall, the United Technologies/National Journal Congressional Connection Poll has revealed an electorate thatís extremely critical of Congress and wary of embracing any particular policy prescription for getting the American economy growing more briskly. The millionaireís surtax has cut through the clutter. Although it may not be surprising that 90 percent of Democrats support this Democratic proposal, itís notable that 71 percent of independents do and even 37 percent of Republicans like this kind of a tax increase.

When it comes to those Wall Street protests, thereís also a populist streak: Remarkably, nearly one-third of Republicans --31 percent -- completely or mostly agree with their aims. The sour economy has sparked some class resentments in unexpected places, it seems. Those stirrings are unlikely to come to fruition in this divided Congress, but thereís no indication theyíre going away anytime soon.

All those idiot friends and acquaintances of yours whom you blithely assume have at least some idea of what's going on don't know anything at all.

Get to work. Do the unthinkable. Talk to them. About politics. The country you save may be your own.

CORRECTION. Serendicity again. Found this critique of the National Journal poll. No big deal. But then, this afternoon, I received an honest-to-God local polling call myself about our upcoming county elections. It was the push poll to end all push polls. Clearly slanderous statements about the Republican candidates for freeholder were read off, followed by the bland question, "Does this make you more, or less, likely to vote for this person?" Even the pollster began to laugh when I interrupted him to finish the next intended slander by accusing the Republican of abusing his Pomeranian in the front yard of his palatial home. At the end, he thanked me for "not blowing up at me like the lady I talked to last did." I told him it wasn't his fault. At least he has a job. I guess he'd like to keep it.




Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Republican Celebrities

Better than Rosie O'Donnell or Janeane Garofalo, dontcha think?

FIFTY CENT? What we're up against. The Dems have box office stars like George Clooney, Matt Damon, Samuel Jackson,† Morgan Freeman, and Leonardo diCaprio, and we have Bo Derek, Heather Locklear, Shannen Doherty, Cindy Crawford, Angie Harmon, and Jessica Simpson. Sheesh. And we've got some of the male braintrust of Hollywood too: Kevin Sorbo, Nick Lachey, Sylvester Stallone, Stephen Baldwin, Chuck Norris, Adam Sandler, and, vitally, "The Rock." Sheesh squared.

With the help of a little rounding error, that lot easily adds up to 100 IQ points.

Oh well. Hollywood isn't exactly representative of the whole country, is it? It's full of people who pretend to be heroes of various kinds for a living. A very good living, indeed, but can't you imagine how it galls to make millions only pretending to be brave and just and fine? If there's any set of millionaires on earth who are more likely to feel they haven't earned their fortunes, I don't know where you'd go to look for them.

Before anyone says otherwise, let me hasten to say I'm not looking for Cindy Crawford to express her political views. Here's what she's good at:



Just like this is what George Clooney is good at:



I don't begrudge them their success and wealth. But I just don't give a damn what their political opinions are. Because, by the nature of their lives, those opinions have nothing to do with my life or, probably, yours.




Monday, October 17, 2011


Power to the Pitiful Past...

You know. Vision is, you know, Vision.

THE BOOK OF WILLIE. Pardon the lowercase superscripts. They refer to things todays's kids can't refer to. Because the kids don't know anything. The rest of the lesson from a generation ago seems pretty much spot on. Except that nobody's even asked this particular set of semi-conscious losers to sacrifice anything. Unless you count not sexting on your cellphone while driving. Awww. Poor babies.

CHAPTER 5
1 jAnd it so happened that kHarry journeyed to a place called lAltarey, which means high mountain, and appeared to the multitudes, to whom he spoke, surrounded by mAngels.
2 nListen to me, he said, I am called Harry, and my way should be your way.
3 And some of them mocked him, saying, "Who are you to speak to us in this way? Your suit is in three pieces, your face is clean shaven, and your words sound to us like the grunting of a pig."
4 When they had said these and other things, the children moved closer to Harry as if they would beat him, but the Angels protected him, knocking many children cold, so that they were amazed at his wisdom and sat down to listen.
5 Then Harry said, I would say this to you, that you have heavy thoughts but see nothing, that you rap much but say little. What profit a man if he gain the earth and not know it?...
8 Thereupon did Harry walk through the crowd, unmolested by anyone, and mounted the stage, from which place he spoke in a loud voice and at great length...

CHAPTER 7
1 aMy name is called Harry, and I have knowledge of all things, because I am smart, and do not try to fool myself with a lot of nonsense about bideals and cbeliefs.
2 And truly, this is good news for you, because the things that I know are no secret, dbut have been written down many times before, and have even been taught you your whole life, although you cannot see the forest because your eyes are so full of trees.
3 Now I ask you to pluck the trees from your eyes, and behold the forest, which will give you a vision of eparadise.
4 Let me give you an example of what I mean. You have heard this recently fdeceased child cry out against the land of the Americans with great irritation. He has seen that the Americans commit genocide against their own gblack people and their own hnative population and against the iyellow peoples of Southeast Asia,
5 And he therefore believes that the Americans are jevil. And more than this, he concludes that the American evil surpasses the evil of all other peoples and all other knations, all over the world.
6 This is a great tree that has become stuck in all your eyes, which I conclude from the fact that fully a third of your number are wearing the lflag of the world's Most Chosen Nation on your buttocks.
7 This tree burns your eyes, with a fire like righteous indignation, and if you do not wise up it will consume you, which would be foolish indeed, because this is not the only tree in the forest.
8 Truly, this is not the only tree in this particular forest, which is great and vast and extends far beyond the limited reach of your ignorance.
9 Pay close attention while I remind you of the forest.

CHAPTER 8
1 The trees in this forest are as countless as the grains of sand on the beach at Malibu, where I will be going later on.
2 Since the very beginning of time, the mChosen Nations of the world have committed genocide against everyone who dared to oppose them.
3 If you had paid attention in high school, you would know that the nHebrews committed genocide against the Philistines, and the oAssyrians committed genocide against every nation in pMesopotamia,
4 qAnd the Greeks committed genocide against the Trojans,
5 rAnd the Romans committed genocide against the Carthaginians,
6 sAnd the barbarians of Europe committed genocide against the Romans and each other,7 aAnd the Christians of Europe committed genocide against the Saracens and each other,
8 bAnd the Spics committed genocide against the Indians of Central America,
9 cAnd the Frogs committed genocide against the other nations of Europe,
10 dAnd the Brits committed genocide against practically every nation on the planet,
11 eAnd the Krauts committed genocide against the Jews and everybody else too,
12 fAnd all the Chosen Nations in the Middle East committed genocide against all the other Chosen Nations in the Middle East, not to mention large parts of Europe and other places,
13 gAnd the Russkies committed genocide against their own people for thousands of years,
14 hAnd likewise, the Chinks have also learned to commit genocide against their own people,
15 iAnd the Nips committed genocide against every nation in the South Pacific,
16 jAnd at every time in the whole course of human history, the Chosen Nations have always sought to commit genocide against anyone who stood in their way,
17 No matter how big or how small an obstacle they were.
18 But none of this matters to you, of course, because you believe that kyour tree is the only tree.

CHAPTER 9
1 For the tree that is stuck in your eyes is a great stupid tree, and you look at it and think that it fills the whole universe with evil, and that no other tree has ever grown so tall and burned the eyes so viciously.
2 And truly this tree burns your eyes with a fire like lnapalm, so that you think you cannot stand it.
3 And you beat your breasts and say, I can never grow used to this tree, and I can never eat of its fruit or climb its branches, because it is an evil tree,
4 And so I will sit far away from the tree, and I will do everything possible to show that I am not of this tree, and think that its fruit is poison, and that its branches should be climbed only by criminals.
5 More than this, you say, I will do everything differently from what is done by the criminals who climb the branches of this tree.
6 I will not wear the clothes that they wear,
7 And I will not consume the things that they consume,
8 And I will not like the mthings that they like,
9 And I will do everything there is to do differently from the criminals of the tree,
10 nIncluding not wash,
11 And not shave,
12 And not brush my teeth,
13 And not launder my clothes,
14 Or any other thing that is like what the criminals do.
8 But I ask you, Did not the aMayas and the Aztecs also commit genocide in the name of God against those who opposed them, and even against their own people?
9 You would deplore the bBrits who committed genocide against the Zulus of South Africa, not even in the name of God, but in the name of the king, for the purpose of expanding their evil empire.
10 But again I ask you, Did not the cZulus commit genocide against their neighbors, also in the name of their king, for the purpose of expanding their empire?
11 And so what is the difference between the conquistadors and the Mayas, or between the Brits and the Zulus?
12 The only difference is that the Spic tree was taller than the Maya tree, and the Brit tree was taller than the Zulu tree,
13 Just as the American tree is taller than the tree of Southeast Asia or the tree of the native Americans.
14 And if you cut down the biggest tree, you will simply make room for the smaller trees to grow taller,
15 By committing genocide against their neighbors and their own peoples,
16 dWhich is what they all want to do anyway,
17 All of them,
18 Including even the very tiniest trees on the planet,
19 Even unto the headhunters of the rain forest,
20 Who have no nuclear weapons,
21 Or B-52s,
22 Or napalm,
23 But still want more eheads anyway,
24 Because they too are of the tree of fman....

CHAPTER 13
1 By the same token, all of you are also of the tree of man,
2 Which can't have escaped your attention completely.
3 When I first spoke to you, you did not reply to me with words of peace and love,
4 gBut you threatened me with physical injury,
5 hBecause I looked different from you, and do not smell bad,
6 iAnd are only listening to me now because I brought plenty of Angels with me.
7 jAnd if I were to ask which of you would lay down his life for all the Others you love so much, you would look at each other and slink away,
8 Because you can hide nothing from me.
9 For I am Harry, and I know you better than you know yourselves,
10 Because I am just like you,
11 Only a lot smarter.
12 For example, I know what your kparents and your teachers and your politicians do not,
13 Which is that your ideals are as thin as tissue paper,
14 And even more transparent.
15 You have been born and raised in the Most Chosen Nation on Earth,
16 And from the moment of your birth, you have always had your own way,
17 And everything else you wanted,
18 Because your parents were born into a time of afamine,
19 And they wanted you to have more than they did,
20 And so they gave it to you,
21 Just like bmy parents gave me everything I ever wanted.
22 And you grew up watching TV,
23 cWhere you learned that every problem anyone ever had could be figured out in just twenty-two minutes,
24 And there was no such thing as a problem that could not be solved,
25 Because this is America,
26 And you were born Americans,
27 And Americans always get their own way,
28 dAnd always win.
29 But then you got to be eighteen years old,
30 And suddenly America asked you to do something it wanted,
31 But you didn't want to,
32 Because who wants to die for a bunch of creepy little egooks in some faraway jungle,
33 When you could be at home having fun,
34 And getting flaid,
35 And having geverything you ever wanted?

CHAPTER 14
1 Notice that none of this has anything to do with genocide or evil,
2 Except that one of the greatest things about life,
3 As you will learn, provided you can pay attention for a little while longer,
4 hWhich I have doubts about,
5 Is that there is always a good and virtuous reason for being opposed to doing what you don't want to do.
6 In this case, you did not want to die in some faraway land,
7 And so you discovered iideals.
8 And where did these great ideals come from?
9 jDid they come from your encyclopedic knowledge of history, which you got from Clark Gable and John Wayne and Errol Flynn and Charlton Heston?
10 kDid they come from your vast knowledge of religion, which you got from John Huston and Jeffrey Hunter and Charlton Heston?
11 lDid they come from your deep knowledge of politics and government, which you got in twenty-two minutes a night from Walter Cronkite and Chet Huntley, unless you got it from the sports page?
12 Did they come from your rich experience of culture, which you got from the mThree Stooges and nLucille Ball and oSuperman and pThe Lone Ranger and qEd Sullivan?
13 rDid you get them from each other, through profound conversation that struck deep into the heart of things?
14 Did they come from your intellectual awakening in college, where you learned how to smoke dope and screw like rabbits and cut class and read sCliff Notes and grow beards and give up bathing?

CHAPTER 15
1 Yes, I believe pretty devoutly in all your ideals,
2 Because I have ideals too,
3 And I have seen your devotion to freedom of speech, which you have proven by jdenying it to your opponents on college campuses all over America,
4 And I have seen your love of your fellow man, which you have proved in kriots on college campuses all over America,
5 lAnd I have seen your powerful vision of the future, which you have revealed in communes and other pigsties all over America,
6 And I have been impressed.
7 In fact, I have been greatly impressed by the amazing frequency with which you mdo exactly what you want to do,
8 nWhenever you want to do it,
9 And wherever you want to do it,
10 Which is exactly the way I'd expect the children of a Chosen Nation like this one to behave,
11 And isn't different in any way at all from the behavior of the government you despise so much.

Am I bitter? Yeah. I've spent my whole life watching half-educated idiots fooling totally uneducated idiots into destroying my country. Now I have to face the prospect of somewhat educated idiots finishing the job.

I finally understand Mark Twain's bit about about Hadleyburg. And I will not apologize to anyone about anything I've said. I'm right. As I have been for eight years. Eight? Let's try twenty.




Back to Archive Index

Amazon Honor System Contribute to InstaPunk.com Learn More