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August 15, 2008 - August 8, 2008

Thursday, September 06, 2007

THE SOPRANOS TENORS. While people around the globe are mourning the death of Luciano Pavarotti, the powerful La Scala College of Tenors has been summoned to Milan to choose the next 'Greatest Tenor in the World.' Outsiders can only speculate about the politicking that is undoubtedly going on behind the ornate doors of Italy's venerable cathedral of opera. Tenors from multiple nations are said to be lobbying hard for an "anybody but an Italian" selection since Pavarotti held the post for more than 35 years. They also point to the long reign of Enrico Caruso early in the twentieth century as an indication that Italian parochialism has resulted in a virtual monopoly on the prestigious title. According to anonymous inside sources, Tenors from Spain, Ireland, and the U.S. are particularly grumpy because they believe Pavarotti should have stepped down in favor of one of their own native sons (e.g., Placido Domingo, Ronan Tynan, or Axl Rose) years ago.


Also at issue in the current election is the vital question of whether Tenors should continue the ecumenical outreach initiated by Pavarotti to make opera singing more palatable to the mass audience. A solid contingent of hardline conservatives favors the little known candidate Uggio Cantabile who, despite an admittedly mediocre voice, would ban the recording of popular songs by Tenors as well as the performance of famous arias outside the context of the operas that give them meaning. (Listen to the attached audio file above for a sample of Uggio's voice, unless it's really Michael Bolton instead.) Cantabile's candidacy is being vehemently opposed by, among others, the U.S. Public Broadcasting System, which fears that the network will be unable to raise needed revenues during pledge drives if it is no longer permitted to broadcast endless reruns of the Three Tenors and Andrea Bocelli performing saccharine crap for rich American dilettantes.

Concern about this grave threat to PBS has also brought prominent American pseudo-intellectual Bill Moyers into the fray. Moyers has written an open letter to the College of Tenors in a full-page ad paid for by PBS in today's New York Times. The letter says, in part: "Preservation of what little remains of high culture in the United States is entirely dependent upon a steady stream of mawkish pop ballads sung by famous foreign Tenors. Without the quarterly injection of funds raised by these entertainments, all the truly intellectual fare PBS offers could not be produced or broadcast because the ignorant American masses don't want it, don't watch it, and would never pay a nickel for it. Needless to say, the civilized nations of the world cannot afford the American hoi polloi to sink even lower into the barbaric mire than they already are." In his summation, Moyers nominates the commonest non-American (obviously) opera singer yet discovered, Paul Potts of Britain's Got Talent. Cynics at La Scala respond scornfully that Moyers can afford the bankruptcy of American public TV  least of all, since his own income is derived from selling DVDs and videotapes of his taxpayer-funded PBS shows for personal profit.

Meanwhile, Antonio Cantabile, the don patriarch of the illustrious Sicilian family of singers, has placed a small box ad of his own in the Washington Post, reminding the lawmakers who fund PBS that New York's Metropolitan Opera and Carnegie Hall are both old and "molto flammabile." There's also a reference, in an apparently untranslatable regional Italian dialect, that identifies the address of Moyers's house. The College of Tenors has disavowed any knowledge of the ad or its purpose.

And so it goes. Politics as usual in the snootiest upper reaches of the classical music world. We can only hope that the electoral process doesn't turn so vicious that it obscures the marvelous career of Luciano Pavarotti, who may very well prove to have been "the last of the great voices."

May his legacy live on.

UPDATE. Contrary to our hopes, the international political pressure on the College of Tenors continues to increase. Now, Oxford's 'University of Tenors' has denounced Paul Potts as the 'Welsh Pretender' and is demanding consideration for Thom Yorke of Radiohead, who "hits much scarier high notes" and is also "of the right sort." In fact, there's open talk of schism between Oxford and La Scala. The Radiohead initiative is already being denounced by Britain's Labor Party, which contends that the World's Greatest Tenor should be low-born and unattractive in appearance, though "not a wog, of course." Their nominee is Phil Collins, who -- despite being old and past his prime -- "isn't as old as Pavarotti was," and "besides, ALL the talented low-born Englishmen are frightfully old now anyway." Britain's highly influential 'Gay Regiment' has issued a press release declaring that age and death are irrelevant in the context of gay genocide and have launched a vigorous campaign on behalf of the late Freddie Mercury.

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance, (backed, of course, by N.O.W.) has separately nominated Melissa Ethridge in protest against the straight patriarchy's oppressive definition of 'tenor' as an exclusively male voice.

International ANSWER has announced plans for a "possibly violent" demonstration at La Scala in support of the candidacy of Che Guevara, who did everything better than anyone else.

Canada's getting into the picture, too, insisting that Neil Young's rendition of Vesti La Giubba puts Michael Bolton's to shame, besides being higher than a dog's range of hearing. But, as usual, no one is paying the least bit of attention to them.

Back in America, some drunk old white guys are trying to figure out how to vote for Meatloaf.

And some even older drunk white guys have made a bonfire producing tons of white smoke they say means that the Greatest Tenor in the Whole History of the World is Roy Orbison.

In the interest of full disclosure, we have to admit we're partial to Mick, at least for the first few bars.

It's getting ugly.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

LOVE YOUR DOCTOR? Freedom? Liberty? Isn't that what the Democrats tell us they're for? Don't believe it. Scratch the rhetoric and you'll find that just under the surface they're pure totalitarians. Get a load of this from the John-Boy Edwards camp:


I'm sure a lot of you think this is nice and a good thing. Some of us, though, work hard to stay completely the hell away from doctors and the whole medical care system. Ramses the Great of Ancient Egypt managed to live into his eighties without taking a single pill and without ever having some quack know-it-all shove a telescope a foot up his rectum. Most of the advances in average life expectancy since then have to do with reducing the incidence of infant and child mortality. You could look it up. You could also spend a minute or two pondering the additional regulations that will probably accompany mandatory preventive care: government control of your diet, your vices, and your leisure time activities. All for your own good, don't you know. While you're at it, take just a second to consider the beneficence of government-mandated mental health checkups. Now tell me again how worried you are about the Patriot Act.

If this is the future, count me out. I'll be the lunatic up in the tower, armed with the biggest arsenal of the biggest guns anyone ever saw. And I'll shoot the first bastard who tries to come near me with a tongue depressor.

Just so you know.

Friday, August 31, 2007

ADAM.31. It's good to be a pygmy. Pretty soon they'll be handing out prizes to kids who are shorter than their parents because littler people produce less carbon dioxide. Fortunately, those littler people will have nice little luxo cars to drive:



Personally, I can't wait. Because, boy, are they ever going to have to get out of my way when I come cruising by in my Satanic Cadillac. We'll scarf up those little babies like peanuts.


Who do you want to ride with? Them or me?

Well, okay. But you bring the suntan oil. SPF 2. I go for the tropical look.

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