August 15, 2008 - August 8, 2008
. It's so
easy to be a conservative who disapproves of Ann Coulter.
In fact, it's almost required. It's how conservatives of a certain
stripe try to prove they're as civilized as their liberal friends.
Some have other motives. Mrs. IP can't stand her, even though Mrs. IP makes Coulter look like a wimp on many matters of public policy. For example, Coulter -- to my knowledge, at least -- has never been in favor of killing all the muslims just because. Mrs. IP dislikes the Hated One because she's a bit loose with her research and seems to enjoy appearing on TV with her avowed enemies too much. Those are valid criticisms. But they're not sufficient for people -- myself included -- who pay close attention to politics on a daily basis and know what's going on in the mainstream media.
Here's the bottom line. If you claim to be a conservative, the only position you can take with regard to Ann Coulter is as a cheerleader. Why? Two reasons.
First, because she's a natural lightning rod. Every single time the lefties accuse conservatives of of being heartless and mean, their first citation is of Ann Coulter -- because there's no other they can cite. Their constant repetitions of the same old crap prove how threadbare their case is. "She wanted the 9/11 terrorists to blow up the New York Times Building." (Cool.) "She called John Edwards a fag." (Accurate.) "She had the nerve to diss cancer-stricken Elizabeth Edwards when that great lady confronted her about scorning John Edwards." (Poor boy.) What an awful bitch. Except that she's not. She's just a counter-puncher with an honest-to-God sense of humor. The best one we have. Conservatives have become sissies. Hit them and they bleed. Ask them who hit them and they can never remember the numbers on the license plate or even what state the offending vehicle came from. Kansas State is perpetually cowed by a hit-and-run driver from Harvard. If that were just an anecdote, it wouldn't be a problem.
It isn't just an anecdote. All the Republicans are from Kansas State. They never have the guts to accuse Democrats of anything. They continue with the "my great friend from Massachusetts" shtick while their "great friend from Massachusetts" accuses them of everything under the sun, including illegal earmarks just like the illegal earmarks senators from Massachusetts live on. Coulter's willingness to whomp on this kind of bullshit gets her pilloried on a regular basis. And it deflects the abuse conservatives would receive if they admitted that John Edwards is a callow, empty suit and Hillary is a cold-hearted castrating cunt.
Second, because the libs are right. Coulter is a killer, Clint Eastwood in a skirt. She has the guts to say what most conservatives won't. She's a good attorney and a smart woman. She's posed questions no one else will. (No one but us, that is.) Why did we ever give women the vote? It's been downhill for freedom and limited government ever since. Why do we insist on pretending that America-hating traitors like Schumer, Kennedy, Reid, and Pelosi have to be regarded as patriots when they're clearly our enemies? Their dearest desire is for the United States to lose the war we're fighting. Why aren't we supposed to notice that or call it what it is? Treason. I hate to say it but Mrs. IP is wrong for once. Coulter enjoys taking the heat for speaking the truth. That's why the lefties hate her so much.
Yeah, it is impolite to call traitors treasonous. Real democracy is all about pretending that traitors are mostly patriots, just coming at the great issues of the day from a whole different perspective. Right.
Here's what all real conservatives know. Coulter says what most of us think. She's mild and incredibly diplomatic in what she says. All the outrage conservatives express about her is nothing more than the guilty fear of the politically correct and the politically frightened. Coulter uses humor to blunt the ferocity of her disdain, not to exacerbate it. Like every other conservative who actually cares about whether the United States survives or not, she speaks her piece because she has to, not because she's trying to make a buck. Every day, she moderates her language and selects humor over pure rage because she's decided that pure rage is counter-productive.
Right now, though, I'm thinking she might be wrong. Yeah, I agree she should brush up on her research. Her LEXIS/NEXIS searches are suspect. And maybe she's getting too long in the tooth for incredibly short pencil skirts. (A lot of us men, believe it or not, are more interested in what's inside her head than what's up her skirt...) But her female intuition is dead on the money. Maybe she should prefer charges instead of jokes. She does still have a law degree, doesn't she? If she started using it again, that would be fun.
Do you have the balls to stand with her and defend her? I thought not.
UPDATE. So, today, a Nobel Peace Prize Winner said she wished she could kill George W. Bush. She's Irish, of course. Actually, I don't mind that she's a pagan savage. What's one more ruthless killer bitch in the mix? Nothing. It's just that if you were to cite her as an example of the fact that lefty 'pacifists' can't ever seem to stop talking about murdering, raping, and castrating their political opponents, the usual chorus of lefty bloggers would instantaneously sit up on their hind legs and recite all the terrible things Ann Coulter has said. This seems like a good place to point that out. And the fact that Coulter has never claimed to be a pacifist. As far as I know, she's pretty thoroughly in favor of killing. Especially phony pacifists.
Please send money:
. I don't
know why this is, but both my parents spent their whole lives turning
their back on their Scottish roots. They said they were Americans and
so didn't need to afflict themselves with horrific bagpipe music. They
claimed they were happy to be part of the great American melting pot.
From my perspective, though, they weren't Americans so much as
Anglophiles who lived in America. More than half Scottish, they were
nevertheless Church of England and raised me that way, even though the
family mythology was that we had come here in the first place as
fugitives from the last gasp of Scottish nobility who had supported
Bonnie Prince Charlie. The last Scottish "Catholic Pretender" to the
throne of England. Well. I've always taken some comfort from the
ongoing negotiations between the Church of England (C of E) and the
Papist Autocrats of the Vatican (PA of V) for the purpose of healing
the great divide. Imagine my shock when the Pope announced yesterday
that Vatican II was just kidding.
There is only one church and its name is RC. Like the cola, but without
quite as cool a bottle.
Apparently the time has come for us Scottish-Americans to abandon the whole stupid melting-pot idea and start demanding our proper place in the diversity-sphere of the newly balkanized American 'mosaic.' In the past this site was just a bunch of ill-mannered punks who offended all and sundry because we didn't know how to be polite to our intellectual and cultural superiors. From this day forward, we're Scottish-Americans who offend all and sundry because that's our hard-won cultural tradion. What's more, we're issuing a demand for money. For two reasons. First, because we're owed reparations for all the awful abuse Scots have taken from the other ethich groups who claim we can't think, write, dance, play sports, laugh, or otherwise participate in civilized society. And second, because we've now remembered that we're Scots, and we like money a great deal.
We are facing something of a technical glitch. Our webmaster is Irish, which means he won't like our new assertion of ethnic identity. Worse than that, he's defintely a papist, and it's possible that he'll sabotage the PayPal algorithm to direct any funds we receive directly into the hands of the savage Hibernian terrorists who want to blow the British mainland, including Scotland, into oblivion. I can't remember how the incredibly costly Scottish resistance against he English mongrel pagans has hurt the cowardly Irish in any way, other than freeing them from military service for a thousand years or so, but I've never been very good at keeping track of the irrational grudges of potato eaters who think whiskey should be sweeter than RC Cola. Anyway, my protestant side forces me to warn all of you to contribute "at your own risk."
The good news is that the unpleasant side of this post is completed. All that's left is reminding all the other hyphenated Americans of the brilliant contributions Scots have made to civilized, and even American, culture. I'm not even going to mention the steam engine. Or capitalism. Or all the ways Scots actually invented the systems and technologies that have made modern life possible. Instead, I'm going to dwell on the only things contemporary Americans value: entertainment and, well, entertainment.
For example, the world would be a poorer place without Scots to make fun of. Who else can Americans laugh at anymore? What other ethnic group is willing to be made fun of without filing a single lawsuit or sending some damned Irish mackerel-snapper onto Fox News to complain about anti-Catholic bias? Not that the Irish are the only other ethnic group. There are some others, but they're all equally stupid and annoying, as many Americans have learned from the mostly unfunny show called The Simpsons.
What I'm saying is, what other group would sit still for the kind of ridicule we Scots have accepted in pieces like this sorry-ass spoof of Star Trek? What none of you can know or empathize with is how much discriminatory nonsense like this hurts Scottish-Americans -- because we don't have any more idea what the actors are saying than you do. Our fear is that it's just utterly awful. Or not that funny. Take your pick.
We know that our ancestral way of speaking isn't wuite as euphonious as some others. It doesn't mean we're not artistically gifted. We are. It's only because of decades of discrimination that Scottish literary feats don't get as much attention as the so called poetry of lesser peoples. Let's face it. The French always get a free ride, and the damn Germans think poetry is about browbeating everyone else into believing it. But what fair-minded person could think that the English, the Irish, the Welsh, and even the Americans are better at using our common language than the Scots? It defies belief. And unlike many of those others, like, say, the Welsh, we also do plays.
There's no question that Scotland has failed at the propaganda game. The English have a whole channel, BBC Antiamerica, devoted to convincing Americans that they hate America as much as the best educated Americans do. Ireland has a charming little weekly show on PBS called "Ireland Hates America, Too," presided over by an arch leprechaun of woman who lives in a New York City penthouse and knows exactly what to say in her all-too-decipherable brogue. Scotland has only a pitiful little PBS scrapbook of a show called "TartanTV ," which offers informational nuggets such as the fact that all supposed Scottish tartans are basically 19th-century English forgeries, like all Americans who consider themselves descended from notable Scottish clans. Probably true, but not exactly a PR bonanza.
If you're going to appreciate Scotland as a diversely wonderful part of the Old World, you have to look beyond PBS. Here, for example, is a Scottish Tour you just won't get on the mainstream channels. Looking deeper, you can also find examples of the kind of judgment that enabled Scotland to lead the Industrial Revolution into the modern era. Which doesn't mean that Scots haven't also been in the vanguard of modern etiquette.
Did you forget that we Scots also created the greatest sport yet invented? This will remind of that fact, and provide you a rare glimpse of the only known instance in media history when Robin Williams was actually funny. Only Scots can precipitate such unlikely events.
How can we do that? Because we have such a keen sense of comedy ourselves. We're even prepared to pretend that female comedians can be funny. It's not easy, but we do it. Because we're fiercely determined to. It helps that we can't understand a word they're saying either.
Incomprehensibility is a big part of our whole culture. Like our history. You probably thrilled to Braveheart as much as anyone else. And understood it pretty much the same way we did.
Actually, understanding isn't the point. Does anyone understand dance? Yet the world has long bowed to the beauty of classical dance. And modern dance. And American dance. Some of you -- oddly -- even think the Irish do something like dance. Well, if you like that fey elven sheep-jumping crap, give yourself a chance to appreciate the kind of stomping around that Scots call dance. Once you've had enough real whiskey, it's far superior. You'll even want to join in.
Of course, the real mark of an advanced culture is music. The way the media are in America, you'd be excused for thinking that all kinds of countries have been better at music than the Scots. It's not true. The Italians get a lot of credit for sentimental crap like this. Who knows why people listen to French pap like this? Pure barbarians like the Poles, Germans, and Austrians are ridiculously overpraised just because their music is beautiful and intellectual at the samw time. Big deal. The English have never had any music of any kind, which should give you a hint about the musical capabilities of the Welsh and the Irish, too. It's almost a miracle -- given the pitiful record of Celts in general -- that the Scots have been able to produce the greatest music in the whole history of western civilization. But we have.
It's always at a price, though. Whenever Scots make a huge contribution, they're required to die for it. Explain that to us.
Better yet, give us some money. At least until the postal money order
we're expecting any day now arrives. Is that too much to ask?
. It's not
news by now that the worldwide Live Earth concerts were a bust.
It's not all that surprising either. Global Warming has to be the
dullest crisis ever, championed by the dullest demagogue ever. The
closest I came to watching it was sitting through the first half of a
rerun of the South Park Manbearpig episode last night.
When I chanced this morning to hear an audio clip of Al Gore's pledge
speech (seven points!) at one of the concerts, he sounded exactly like
illiterate Stan and Kyle were trying to avoid.
What's really odd is that I think the South Park boys were actually on to something with Manbearpig. The obvious absurdity masks a subtler but nevertheless quite real absurdity. And mask is the right word. The mask of Global Warming is science, but the underlying passion that's driving it is paganism. Manbearpig is a classic pagan god, two parts animal, one part human, adding up to an archaic godhead. And Global Warming is really an outgrowth of a pagan yearning. How else is it that this cobbled-together -- and remotely consequential -- theory has become part of a cluster of 'progressive' causes that most notably include gay rights, hard-line feminist rejection of 'the patriarchy' (excepting Islam, of course), anti-Christian campaigns that are disingenuously positioned as expressions of secularism and humanism, extreme sexual libertarianism, an obsessive focus on health and nutrition as if they were morality, and an irrational Luddite condemnation of all things technological (excepting cell phones, the internet, and MP3 players)?
Would the scientists who think their rationalism is saving the planet from mankind's baser instincts be happy to know that their most ardent followers are the same people who wear crystals, read auras, channel ancient eastern spirits, dance Wiccan spells naked under the full moon, and perform imaginary Druid ceremonies at Stonehenge during the solstices? Or that some of their most vocal fellow travellers are defying the imperatives of evolution by engaging in non-reproductive sexual activities which have been scientifically proven (more than Global Warming, anyway) to reduce their chances of survival by 30 to 60 percent?
What's going on here isn't an enlightened transformation of medieval superstition (Christianity) into rational planetary consciousness (green progressivism). It's an act of reversion to pre-conscious paganism -- a violent divorce of theology from morality, a sundering whose ultimate purpose is 180 degrees antithetical to science. Why? Because the opposite of science is magic, which is based on the notion that purely symbolic actions can have an impact on matter at a distance, without physical contact or logical cause and effect. What's the difference? The cultures of antiquity (including the increasingly self-righteous native peoples of North, Central, and South America) employed human sacrifice as an act of magic, a brutal and bloody transaction that had to be repeated every time Gaia or Quetzalcoatl seemed to be punishing the earth. Christians elevated sacrifice to a divine concept, one that was performed once, to perfection, and so needed never to be performed again except in symbolic form. Because its purpose was not to slake the appetites of a vicious nature god like the sun or the storm, but to imbue the human spirit with an internal sense of right and wrong and transcendant truth.
It was Christianity's focus on mind and spirit that liberated science from the shackles the originating Greeks had constrained it with. The idea of a relationship with the divine that was not based on transactions but an aspiration to know the beauty of creation inspired every scientist from Newton to Einstein. Now we are reduced, once again, to the level of mere animals. Good is what makes us feel good -- sexual gratification, prolonged physical health, the comfort of rituals that make no demand on minds that have grown weary of complexity. For their excessive demands on our minds, the gods of complexity must be destroyed, utterly, by the most potent and ancient of magic. All their mores must be trampled. All their virtues must be mocked. Everything must be turned on its head. Rich must become poor. Evil must become good. Man must become woman, woman must become man, commandments must be broken, and the rituals we perform must be magical, not spiritual.
So they accept the ridiculous magical notion that a concert can change climate -- provided that we say and do all the right things along the way, regardless of the facts. It's the performance that matters, not anything like a chain of cause and effect as scientists might understand it.
What's actually amazing about all this is not the conduct of the crazies, but the ambivalent reactions of the people you don't expect to be crazy. That's where you see the real power of magic and paganism and the irrational generally. I won't be forgiven for this (but who cares?), and besides it was Camille Paglia in our time who has made the strongest case for the theory that men invented rationality as a defense against the native paganism of women, which is another way of saying that if you want to see the cracks in the edifice of rationality, look first to the women.
I've previously commented here on the peculiar response of the famous Ann Althouse to Al Gore's idiot Global Warming movie. Today, we have her equally ambivalent response to the Live Earth concerts. Yes, she knows the whole exercise was silly. But:
Everyone likes Madonna now? No. Sorry. Not everyone does. Some of us
think Madonna is as much of a woman as Al Gore is of a man, and we're
not comfortable with either of them. And the idea that time somehow
alchemizes old vice into present-day respectability is uniquely female
-- and definitively amoral. Men who once thought Madonna physically
attractive but whorish haven't changed their perception of anything but
her attractiveness. Once a whore, always a whore. It's only from the
women that you hear the excuses and qualifications -- but she's been so
successful, for so long, and she keeps reinventing her.... what? Her
To most men I know she's reached the worst stage of whorishness -- she's reached the stage of kidding herself that a bunch of superficial makeup -- a British accent, authoring children's books, playing the grande dame expatriate from her native Queens -- will somehow undo the nights she spent cruising Manhattan in her limo picking up gigolos for wanton sex. That's an act of magic that makes sense to a large number of women, but not to men. To men, you are what you do. To women, you are what you can convince other women you are.
And if Madonna is somehow slowly transmogrifying -- like other English women -- into a man, women are also strangely comforted, it seems, by the fact that so many men, Al Gore included, are gradually morphing into the sitzenpissers of Germany. To the pagan mind, which resides deep in the minds of many, this is the ultimate victory against rationalism, a milestone in the return to the prehistorical times that are supposed to have been matriarchal, when the Eleusinian Mysteries prevailed, and men were subservient to women throughout the course of a single, endlessly repeated year in which no history occurred, no writing disrupted the cycle of the moon, no manufactured art competed with naked breasts, and the earth was a merciless mother who still managed to screw every man, woman, and child like a satyr.
Deep down, though, that's what most women still want. The Return. Scroll through Ms. Althouse's site, with special emphasis on her photography, and then look at this. Then take a look at this and this, and tell me how much faith you have in women to rescue western civilization with their more highly evolved values.
Richard Dawkins actually thinks he's winning. You can take it from me, he's losing the house, the barn, and the car.
UPDATE. A new controversy. And more yuck.
But we all love her now, right? Right.