Archive Listing
September 26, 2007 - September 19, 2007
Monday, November 06, 2006
BGNN Scoop!
Dems win, Earth explodes
BGNN. By a shockingly huge margin, the Democrats took control of both houses of the United States Congress tomorrow, November 7, paving the way for Nancy Pelosi (D), California, to become Speaker of the House and Harry Reid (D), Nevada, to become Majority Leader of the Senate.
In a related development, the planet earth spontaneously exploded a few hours later, extinguishing hundreds of endangered species and fouling the environment in ways too numerous to mention. In addition, the planet's six and a half billion human inhabitants were instantaneously vaporized by the blast, which Speaker-Elect Pelosi described as "yet another example of the gross negligence and incompetence of the Bush administration."
Final vote tallies were not available due to the destruction wreaked by the end of life as we know it, but it is believed that the Democrats gained more than 40 seats in the House and more than 10 in the Senate. Majority Leader-Elect Reid called it "a ringing affirmation of the policies and positions of the Democratic Party" and said it proved that "the American people have rejected the unilateralism and elitist tax policies of the Republicans."
Reid went on to express his "grave disappointment" about the annihilation of the earth, "because now we will be denied our rightful opportunity to demonstrate to the people of America and the world that the United States can protect itself without being a military bully, a sadistic jailer, or a tactless eavesdropper on private conversations between political activists at home and abroad.
"The world would have been a much better place," he said, "if only Bush and his cronies hadn't blown it up. We Democrats just plain care more about people, and now we'll never get the chance to prove it. It's a pisser."
Reid and Pelosi both promised extensive hearings to assign blame to the President for the "criminal failure of this administration to prevent the death of everyone and everything."
Presidential press secretary Tony Snow called the Democrat charges "purely political" and said the evidence suggested the explosion was caused by the "unthinkable Democratic victory," not Republican malfeasance. He added that FEMA was responding to the disaster "as well as can be expected under the circumstances."
He also said that the heavy Republican losses in the election were caused largely by an unexpectedly low turnout and professed the belief that people hadn't lost faith in the administration but had fallen prey to "the natural desire for change we've seen time and again in the sixth year of a presidency."
Various pollsters who failed to predict the enormity of the Democratic landslide could not be reached for comment.
posted at
11:56 am
by
The Big Girl News Network
Friday, November 03, 2006
Pre-Election Bombshell!
Lawn Jockey Slams
Malkin,
Steele, and the Republicans
Steele, and the Republicans
XOFF NEWS. In a
desperate attempt to find something, anything, outrageous to put in
print on the last Friday before the election, XOFF News reporters have
tracked down the most senior Lawn Jockey in Maryland to get his
response to this quote from Michelle Malkin's
blog:
Lemuel Jones, as he likes to be called, has spent a lifetime guarding the front entrance of one of the oldest surviving mansions in Annapolis, Maryland. But that doesn't mean he's a traitor to his race.
"I've voted straight Democratic in every election they take me to," he said in a personal interview Friday. "Just who is that Malkin woman to be telling stories about me? She's one of those Asians, isn't she? Probably Korean. Or Jewish. I've got no use for her kind."
On the touchy subject of whether he's going to vote for Maryland's black senate candidate, Michael Steele, Mr. Jones is firm: "He's a Republican. I don't vote for Republicans, white, black, brown, or purple. Never did. Never will. Period. So if my ride shows up, I'm going for the other fella."
Why, he's asked, do people continually think that black people of his profession are closet conservatives, capitalists, and other despicable things?
"I don't know," he says. "I never even had an Uncle Tom. Maybe it's the uniiform. I'd like to put my cap on backward and wear my pants underneath my buttocks like all the other homeys white women like so much, but I wasn't allowed to go to college in my day, so this is the kind of job I have to take. But I'll tell you one thing," he adds, "I'm no sellout. I don't ever smile at all the rich white crackers who drive through this entrance. And that goes double for Michael Steele and all the other white, racist Republicans -- like that no-account Malkin broad. And that Bush. Did I tell you how much I hate the President? Well, I do. Any more questions?"
No. That's about it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to track down a lead about Laura Bush's torrid sexual affair with Lynn Cheney and George Bush's secret deal to let Halliburton strip-mine all the blue states for coal slag. One of these stories just has to break in time to make sure the Dems win the Senate on Tuesday. Trust us. Would we lie?
Steele has tapped into bubbling
discontent among independent-thinking minority voters--a phenomenon
ignored by MSM elites intent on smearing him as an Uncle Tom, sellout,
or "lawn jockey" and pandering to the tired, old liberal establishment.
Lemuel Jones, as he likes to be called, has spent a lifetime guarding the front entrance of one of the oldest surviving mansions in Annapolis, Maryland. But that doesn't mean he's a traitor to his race.
"I've voted straight Democratic in every election they take me to," he said in a personal interview Friday. "Just who is that Malkin woman to be telling stories about me? She's one of those Asians, isn't she? Probably Korean. Or Jewish. I've got no use for her kind."
On the touchy subject of whether he's going to vote for Maryland's black senate candidate, Michael Steele, Mr. Jones is firm: "He's a Republican. I don't vote for Republicans, white, black, brown, or purple. Never did. Never will. Period. So if my ride shows up, I'm going for the other fella."
Why, he's asked, do people continually think that black people of his profession are closet conservatives, capitalists, and other despicable things?
"I don't know," he says. "I never even had an Uncle Tom. Maybe it's the uniiform. I'd like to put my cap on backward and wear my pants underneath my buttocks like all the other homeys white women like so much, but I wasn't allowed to go to college in my day, so this is the kind of job I have to take. But I'll tell you one thing," he adds, "I'm no sellout. I don't ever smile at all the rich white crackers who drive through this entrance. And that goes double for Michael Steele and all the other white, racist Republicans -- like that no-account Malkin broad. And that Bush. Did I tell you how much I hate the President? Well, I do. Any more questions?"
No. That's about it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to track down a lead about Laura Bush's torrid sexual affair with Lynn Cheney and George Bush's secret deal to let Halliburton strip-mine all the blue states for coal slag. One of these stories just has to break in time to make sure the Dems win the Senate on Tuesday. Trust us. Would we lie?
posted at
2:35 pm
by
The XOFF News Team
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Breathing Deeply
WARNING. No. We're not going there. NOT. Try this instead. Log off the usual crap. Forget Michellle Malkin's guilt-ridden 'Come home to Mama and vote Republican' schtick. Get away from Glenn Reynolds's misdirection and sly shilling for Harold Ford and a Dem Congress. GET THE WEDGE OUT OF YOUR BAG and start focusing. HERE. Your life depends on it.
Okay, then. Feel better now? Good.
