THE GOLDEN SMILE.
Bill Clinton loves to break precedent. He was the first President from a trailer park Arkansas,
the first to have sex in the Oval Office and blame his political
enemies for the resulting scandal, the first ex-president to promote
his wife as a political successor, and the first ex-president to come
close to physically assaulting a journalist on TV. It's all okay, we
guess, because everybody still loves Bill, but it's also interesting to
examine the consequences of broken precedents.
Like that most recent one. It was Bill Clinton who reinjected himself
into the American political scene when he could have done all his
hundred-grand-a-pop speechifying and screwing out of the limelight. But
he missed the limelight. Which is why he decided, unlike George H. W.
Bush, that he should start criticizing the current administration on
the record, on camera, to the press. Then, when somebody dared to ask
questions about what he had or hadn't done about the most urgent issue
of our times, he took umbrage, almost physically, because ex-Presidents
-- i.e., elder statesmen -- are supposed to be immune from
interrogation about anything more serious than the state of their golf
handicap. So Bill came this close to decking Chris Wallace on Fox News
The message he sent to the press is that it's unacceptable to ask hard
questions of an elder statesman. So now we have elder statesmen coming
out of the woodwork to promote their own agendas, and the press is
giving them a total pass. For example, Jimmy Carter of all people is
now criticizing the Bush administration for -- don't you just love it?
-- its policies with regard to North Korea:
Former President Jimmy Carter said
Tuesday night that an agreement he brokered 12 years ago for North
Korea to halt nuclear weapons development is “in the wastebasket."
Carter contends the Bush administration turned its back on the deal and
labeled the isolated nation part of an “axis of evil.”
Missing from the article, which you can read here,
is any question to Carter about who it was who put the "deal" in the
wastebasket. Or about who gave the North Koreans nuclear technology in
exchange for transparently empty promises that the avowedly Stalinist
state wouldn't use the gift of nuclear technology to make weapons of
mass destruction. You see, that would be rude, because Carter is an
elder statesman and past the age of accountability. Jimmy should send a
basket of Florida oranges to the First Adulterer thanking him for his immunity.
And then there's Gorbachev. Remember him? He's on the record
today with this:
Former Soviet President Mikhail
Gorbachev compared the United States' proposed 700-mile wall on the
U.S.-Mexico border to the Berlin Wall during a Tuesday visit to Midland
Addressing a Tuesday news conference at UTPB's Center for Energy and
Economic Diversification, the JBS Public Leadership Institute
Distinguished Lecture Series speaker was by turns serious and flippant
prior to a reception with more than 100 people.
"You remember President Reagan standing in Berlin and saying, 'This
wall should be torn down,'" said the 1990 Nobel Peace Prize winner.
"Now the United States seems to be building almost the Wall of China
between itself and this other nation with which it has been associated
for many decades and has had cooperation and interaction with.
Come again? A wall to keep illegal aliens out of the United States is
the same as a wall built to keep prisoners of Soviet communism inside a continental gulag?! Geez. But there's no sign that
anyone in the press asked this question of Elder Statesman Gorbachev before he rode
home in his limousine. Gorby should send a gift to Bill, too.
I kind of liked the old rule: once a civilian, stay a civilian and the
press will only ask you about whether you had a bran muffin this
morning. I'm adamantly opposed to the new rule: once a civilian, mount any dais you can
find, launch your idiotic attacks at will, and the press will only ask
you about whether you had a bran muffin this morning.
I can't wait for the next installments. Saddam Hussein's perspective
about how to balance Kurdish nationalism with Shia jihadism. Idi Amin's wisdom about how to
end the genocide in Darfur. Kofi Annan's enlightened thoughts about how
to exterminate the Jews once and for all.
I don't reallly want to know whether Saddam had a bran muffin this
morning. But I would like to hear what ex-President George W. Bush
really thinks about the press in the free world. If the new rule applies to
him as well, maybe I'll send Bill a basket of fruit myself.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Rapture is
The righteous will be speaking in
A LIGHT IN THE EAST.
Yes, the time is truly at hand. Come November 7, the forces of darkness
and evil will be overthrown, and a new day will dawn in the world. Then
the righteous will rise up in the House, and they will speak in the
sacred tongues of the enlightened, and their words will be like stones,
and the stones will break the bonds of the imprisoned ones whose only
crime was to desire our heads on pikes, and our women entombed in
shrouds, and our children enticed to suicide.
And the false words of the War on Terror and National Security and Axis
of Evil will melt away into silence, even as the tongues of the Great
Secular Caliphate of DC form new words, which will blaze like a burning
bush and consume the lives of the condemned, who will crumble to ash
great fiery pit, like unto an eternal congressional hearing, from which
can be no return.
And everywhere else in the world, the mouths of the righteous will fill
with song, and they will sing with great freedom of the joy of killing,
and beheading, and bombing, and ruling the infidel pigs, who will also
sing with them, in becoming harmony, of the abiding glory of a
constitution which protects all equally, from the most helpless and
indigent to the most powerful and murderous, unless they be of the
eternally condemned ones, the unspeakable Republicans, who shall
languish and expire in the pit.
And miracles will blossom across the face of the earth like gigantic
flowers, as all human problems fade away, and the enmities of centuries
will be swallowed up by negotiations, and the inconvenient atoms which
had begun to divide in hostility and war will be reunited by the
panaceas of bilateral talks and rhetorical compromises in the Security
Council, so that the blessed humanity of North Korea and Iran and
the Palestine will suddenly yield up all their intransigent
hatreds, and they will be as soothed and tender as is a troubled child
has been reassured. And, lo, all the killing will end in the land of
Eden, between the Tigris and Euphrates, as the evil war-making ones are
sent home in disgrace, and the blessed humanity of Mesopatamia is left
alone to sort things out for itself.
And there shall be inexorable commandments given down from on high,
which will quiet the turbulent oceans of evil radio waves, and the
false visions of the slyly satanic Fox, and the few loathsome voices of
dissent in the ivory towers of wisdom, and the wicked pen of the evil
sorceress who is the pale horse of the Apocalypse. And she shall be
cast down, utterly, and her tongue ripped out, and fed to the hyenas of
the New York Times Magazine section.
And great trumpets shall be blown from the sacred forests of holly in
and, yea, the beautiful ones will beam and bask and bray their
adoration, even as they fly toward the blessed east, whence cometh
And all of us will admire them, in all humility, on bended knee, with
faces covered as we bow down toward the sacred east, even unto Mecca,
as we wait for our own inevitable
punishment and ruin.
In short, it's gonna be great. Don't fight it. The show alone will be
worth the price of admission.
Don't know for how long it will be available, but InstaPunk has posted
its first video at YouTube. It should be self explanatory.
We're serious about what the Repubs
should be doing. If you think so, too, by all means tell somebody.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Friday Follies
What would Jason do?
It's Friday the Thirteenth. Maybe that's why Air America is finally
up. It's a special kind of folly to spend millions of dollars
trying to prove that the dumbest, dimmest creature at the party is
amusing enough to listen to on the radio day after day after day after
day... It makes you wonder, what kind of punishment would Jason mete
out for such an offense? I mean, apart from the obvious instant justice
of a knife in the gizzard. Wouldn't he, maybe, arrange for the creature
to be elected to the U.S. Senate, from some dumb state like Minnesota,
just in time for endless nationally televised hearings about the
illegal financing of the nation's worst talk radio network? Sounds good
I'm getting into the Jason frame of mind. It feels good.
Simplicity. No nuances. For example, ordinarily I'd be reluctantly
rooting for the National League to win the World Series and pay down
their huge ongoing humiliation by the Junior Circuit. But guess what?
This year, I'm a Detroit fan. Screw New York. The Yankees AND the Mets.
They're the rich bitch skinny-dipping in the lake with the slut
quarterback. Whatever happens to them is okay with me. Virtue is
obviously on the side of the team that so spontaneously celebrated
their playoff victory with their own fans, as if they actually
cared about all those working class stiffs who don't make a million
bucks for looking at a month of called third strikes. More power to
them. Maybe next year I'll regain my sense of historical context about
the designated hitter rule that has magnetized all the great lazy
pitchers into the American League and destroyed the national pastime,
but this year I'm a Motown guy in a hockey mask. Go, Tigers!
And while we're on the subject of simple justice, I'll concede I can't
wait for the Democrats to win the November election and control both
houses of Congress. Think about it. Senate Majority leader Harry
"Snopes" Reid. Speaker of the House Nancy "Nip/Tuck" Pelosi. They'll
have two years to torture the American public with attempts to impeach
GWB and eviscerate the GWOT, while doing absolutely nothing about Iran,
North Korea, and France. They'll be lucky not to lose every single seat
in the House and Senate in 2008. This is the real Karl Rove plot. It
takes a Jason to understand his kind of genius.
What else? Yeah. Snow.
Earliest on record in Detroit, New York and Chicago? I'm dying of
suspense waiting to hear how the Global Warming mafia is going to
prove that this is yet another symptom of how George Bush is
heating up the climate. Right after that press
conference, I'm going to get out my long knife and...
Well, you get the picture. Have a nice weekend.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Go ahead. Punish yourself. I'm sure
you deserve it.
The short film by Zucker, who worked
with "Scary Movie 4," "Airplane!" and other comedies, reportedly had
been offered to the Republican Party for use as an ad, but it was
declined. Then it appeared on the Drudge Report and also on YouTube.
However, after a brief period of accessibility, the verification page
started appearing on YouTube. It asked that: "This video may contain
content that is inappropriate for some users, as flagged by YouTube's
user community. To view this video, please verify you are 18 or older
by logging in or signing up." Today the verification page on the spoof
Some other YouTube videos on stripping or other explicit activities
have similar advisories; some don't. But the campaign video doesn't
contain any of those typically objectionable items.
It contains depictions and references to Albright and North Korea's Kim
Jong-Il, with Albright presenting the dictator with a basketball and
later singing Kum Ba Yah. At the same time, terrorists are sneaking
past in the background or foreground....
"The closest thing to an explicit image in the ad is a scene in which
'Albright' bends over and her skirt tears a bit in the seat, hardly the
stuff that sets FCC commissioners' hearts aflutter," said a comment
from Matthew Sheffield on the weblog Newbusters.org.
The commentator noted YouTube has "dismembered conservative and
politically incorrect speech" in the past, pulling videos critical of
Islam and even banning popular conservative blogger Michelle Malkin,
who is also a WND columnist.
Sexually suggestive videos were found on the site unblocked, as were
entire episodes of television shows. So was a clip from a movie
depicting the assassination of President Bush, "Death of a President."
I expect conservative bloggers will immediately start suggesting that
we boycott YouTube in favor of sites like BlipTV, just like they've
been campaigning for us to boycott Google
in favor of Ask.com.
I'm starting to have a problem with this boycotting schtick. I've been
known to withhold my patronage for the sake of a grudge. Because of the
Exxon Valdez, I don't buy Exxon gas unless I'm in danger of getting
stranded. I don't buy Ben and Jerry's ice cream because I think they're
hippie, lefty jerks. I don't attend or watch Jane Fonda movies. I don't
buy French wine anymore unless there's an occasion that absolutely
demands Moet Chandon. However, I don't pretend to myself that Exxon,
Ben, Jerry, Jane, and France give a rat's ass about what I do.
When the right-wing blogosphere got so het up about Google's deal with
the Chinese government, I looked into Ask.com as an alternative. But
there was a problem. Ask.com sucks. They don't turn up nearly as much
relevant stuff with their search engine. I also looked at BlipTV
because Michelle Malkin was having trouble with YouTube. BlipTV sucks
too. So I'm not going to boycott either Google or YouTube.
You see, there's a question of marginal utility involved. If some
behavior that I intend to be punishing to someone else actually
punishes me more than it does them, I don't do it. It's called cutting
off your nose to spite your face, or, more simply, girlcotting. (Those
of you who have teenage daughters will understand the reference without
falling into a fine sexist fury.) I also
think it can be directly counterproductive in absolute terms. I never
bought into the "Buy American" reflex that kept so many well intended
folks in Ford and GM cars when they really did hunger for a BMW or a
Honda. That misguided loyalty is a big part of why Ford and GM are in
such desperate straits today. Deep down, they just never got it that
they had to compete. Can a million angry conservatives keep Ask.com
afloat? Maybe. But they'll still die eventually if they don't rise
above the mediocrity that characterizes their product today.
And what about all those angry conservatives? I have a vision of them
ostentatiously ignoring Google, YouTube, and God knows what other new
media sources while they slowly perish of information starvation,
always finding less than their lefty opponents and showing up too late
with their handicapped arguments. It's a kind of voluntary solitary
confinement and far too much like a poor relation of political
correctness to suit me.
I'm going to keep on using the products and services I find helpful.
It's certainly not news to me that a lot of the new media barons are
leftist idiots when it comes to politics. I can take that into account.
I don't generally go to YouTube looking for pro-Republican videos . But
if I want to see a video of Django Reinhardt playing jazz in Paris way
back when, I sure as hell won't be thinking of BlipTV.
I also have no problem at all with maintaining my purely symbolic
boycotts of products I don't like or find helpful in any way.
Boycotting the New York Times is a particular pleasure. Ditto with
Detroit's giant gas-guzzling SUVs, lilke the Cadillac Escargot and the
Lincoln Nasticator. I haven't decided about the Hummer yet. I mean, I
know it's a fuel hog and all, but if I get the assault rifle I asked
Santa for this Christmas, it would look super cool mounted on the dash
of one of those leviathan Hummer truck things.