Archive Listing
April 3, 2006 - March 26, 2006
Friday, July 01, 2005
INSTAPUNK SCOOP:
Drudge to announce
Jessica Simpson as
Supreme Court nominee
Drudge to announce
Jessica Simpson as
Supreme Court nominee
Precedent: the creation of a "celebrity seat" on the Supreme Court.
THE
HOLLYWOOD SEAT. InstaPunk's XOFF News Team has learned that the
Drudge Report will break InstaPunk's XOFF News Team has learned that the
Drudge Report will break this story
sometime tomorrow:
Inside the Beltway, politicians are already reacting predictably.
Senator Orrin Hatch is privately hailing the move as a "master stroke that finally recognizes the unique needs of a growing and crucially vital minority."
Democrats, meanwhile, are expressing outrage at the nomination. Senator Edward Kennedy said of the Simpson nomination, "It's a disgrace to the nation. We in the Democratic Party have called for a celebrity seat on the court for years, but it's a betrayal for this president to nominate a candidate of such mediocre qualifications. What is needed is a celebrity jurist of the caliber of Susan Sarandon, who has played an attorney at least once and has been politically active in progressive causes for years. She is smarter, more mature, and has much larger breasts than the president's woefully lacklustre choice. I am dimayed."
Senator John Kerry was equally wroth. "I simply can't believe that this president, at this stage in world affairs, when the country is mired in yet another Vietnam, would not nominate a candidate possessed of greater gravitas and zeitgeist, such as Madonna, who has gained the vitally necessary experience in European sensibilities and innovations that are needed to erase the gap between Republicans and Democrats in America," he said. "Instead, this president has seen fit to put forward a wealthy young naif of negligible breastage who cannot speak French, German, or Belgian. How can she possibly contribute meaningfully to the deliberations of the U.S. Supreme Court?"
In anticipation of the approval fight to come, units of the Maryland National Guard began surrounding the Capitol building this evening with 8800 tons of sandbags.
We'll keep you informed as more details emerge.
According
to unnamed White House sources, the administration is responding to the
increasing importance of celebrities in the national life. "It's time
to recognize that famous people are a new and growing segment of the
populace and should be represented -- like women and minorities -- in
the makeup of the court," said a Bush administration spokesperson.
"We believe Jessica will play a valuable role on the court based on her experience as a singer, actress, TV star, and veteran of the new "reality" shows that are making average Americans into celebrities on a daily basis.
"Celebrities of all kinds have special needs that should be voiced in the considerations of the Supreme Court."
"We believe Jessica will play a valuable role on the court based on her experience as a singer, actress, TV star, and veteran of the new "reality" shows that are making average Americans into celebrities on a daily basis.
"Celebrities of all kinds have special needs that should be voiced in the considerations of the Supreme Court."
Inside the Beltway, politicians are already reacting predictably.
Senator Orrin Hatch is privately hailing the move as a "master stroke that finally recognizes the unique needs of a growing and crucially vital minority."
Democrats, meanwhile, are expressing outrage at the nomination. Senator Edward Kennedy said of the Simpson nomination, "It's a disgrace to the nation. We in the Democratic Party have called for a celebrity seat on the court for years, but it's a betrayal for this president to nominate a candidate of such mediocre qualifications. What is needed is a celebrity jurist of the caliber of Susan Sarandon, who has played an attorney at least once and has been politically active in progressive causes for years. She is smarter, more mature, and has much larger breasts than the president's woefully lacklustre choice. I am dimayed."
Senator John Kerry was equally wroth. "I simply can't believe that this president, at this stage in world affairs, when the country is mired in yet another Vietnam, would not nominate a candidate possessed of greater gravitas and zeitgeist, such as Madonna, who has gained the vitally necessary experience in European sensibilities and innovations that are needed to erase the gap between Republicans and Democrats in America," he said. "Instead, this president has seen fit to put forward a wealthy young naif of negligible breastage who cannot speak French, German, or Belgian. How can she possibly contribute meaningfully to the deliberations of the U.S. Supreme Court?"
In anticipation of the approval fight to come, units of the Maryland National Guard began surrounding the Capitol building this evening with 8800 tons of sandbags.
We'll keep you informed as more details emerge.
posted at
10:08 am
by
The XOFF News Team
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Live8: Bigger by the
Minute
Reunions & Comebacks Galore
Reunions & Comebacks Galore
John
Lennon George
Harrison Jimi Hendrix
Jim Morrison
Janis Joplin Kurt Cobain & Buddy Holly Keith Richards
Janis Joplin Kurt Cobain & Buddy Holly Keith Richards
ROCKING ROLL MUSIC. Promoters of the impending Live8 concert have apparently saved the best for last. Interest in the event had already reached fever pitch:
Tens of thousands of people were
queuing today for a second chance to get tickets for the Live8 concert
in Hyde Park.
Many had spent the night outside theatres and concert halls around the country in order to get some of the 55,000 free tickets to watch the event on giant screens in the park.
In London, fans endured torrential rainstorms as they camped out.
Many had spent the night outside theatres and concert halls around the country in order to get some of the 55,000 free tickets to watch the event on giant screens in the park.
In London, fans endured torrential rainstorms as they camped out.
But now, the public's apparently insatiable demand for middle-aged rock stars is about to experience a rush as potent as a fatal heroin overdose. Concert czar Bob Geldoff, Duke of St. Johns Wood, has revealed a plethora of new additions to the Live8 performer lineup, including John Lennon and George Harrison, who will team up with Sir Ringo Starr and Lord Viscount Paul McCartney for a full-boat Beatles reunion, plus the late Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison reunited with the legendary Doors, Kurt Cobain, Buddy Holly, and most incredibly of all the long and still deceased Keith Richards.
We had the unique opportunity to conduct a sit down interview with these superstars at Geldoff's office in the U.K. It was an informal session. We asked some questions of the group, and the stars spoke up as they felt inclined. Here's a partial transcript.
XOFF
News. It's great to see you all. People the world over have been
wanting to see you perform again for decades. What is it about this
event that has tempted you back into the limelight?
Buddy Holly. It's the debt thing. We just can't stand by and do nothing while the Third World suffocates under the usurious greed of the industrial nations.
John Lennon. You got that right, bro.
Janis Joplin. Right on. Anybody here got a little something to drink?
Kurt Cobain. Yeah, it's the debt thing. And we also feel like we maybe owe it to our fans.
Jim Morrison. Did somebody say something about a drink? Count me in on that.
Jimi Hendrix. That's right, dog. I've always been really concerned about the Third World, and, like, what those American bitches were doin to it. I also didn't like all that s__t I been hearing about Live8 being only old white dudes. (Turning to Morrison) Here, Jim, give this a try.
XOFF News. What do you honestly expect is going to happen as a result of this concert? Do you think that music actually has the power to remedy an international financial mess involving hundreds of billions of dollars?
Morrison. Cool. This s__t rocks.
Joplin. Can I have some?
Cobain. That would be good.
George Harrison. How much? Did you say hundreds of billions? Jeez. That's more than Paul makes in a year.
Keith Richards. Don't hog all that blow, Jimi. You know, I gotta say, you all look terrible. And Janis doll, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your hands to yourself.
XOFF News. Now that we've covered the politics, let's move on to the fun stuff. How does anybody feel about seeing the Beatles and the Doors all back together again?
Morrison. Geldoff. Pass me that bottle of Wild Turkey on your desk, would you? Thanks.
Joplin. Don't be a pig, Jim. Leave some for somebody else, would you?
Richards. Let's say we get rid of these reporters and do a little jamming.
Lennon. I have a short written statement I'd like to read about world peace and the crushing burden of international debt. Could somebody lend me some reading glasses?
Morrison. Go f__k yourself, John. You always were a g_d__n bore.
Lennon. Who you calling a bore, you drunken sod? I'll smash you in your fat face in a minute.
Hendrix. Keith, what do you say we get the f__k out of here and find a party and some ho's?
Richards. Dog, you took the words right out of my mouth. (Exeunt.)
XOFF News. Well, thank you all very much. I'm sure I speak for the whole world when I tell you we're all looking forward to the concert.
Joplin. Is anybody else getting horny? [General free-for-all]
Buddy Holly. It's the debt thing. We just can't stand by and do nothing while the Third World suffocates under the usurious greed of the industrial nations.
John Lennon. You got that right, bro.
Janis Joplin. Right on. Anybody here got a little something to drink?
Kurt Cobain. Yeah, it's the debt thing. And we also feel like we maybe owe it to our fans.
Jim Morrison. Did somebody say something about a drink? Count me in on that.
Jimi Hendrix. That's right, dog. I've always been really concerned about the Third World, and, like, what those American bitches were doin to it. I also didn't like all that s__t I been hearing about Live8 being only old white dudes. (Turning to Morrison) Here, Jim, give this a try.
XOFF News. What do you honestly expect is going to happen as a result of this concert? Do you think that music actually has the power to remedy an international financial mess involving hundreds of billions of dollars?
Morrison. Cool. This s__t rocks.
Joplin. Can I have some?
Cobain. That would be good.
George Harrison. How much? Did you say hundreds of billions? Jeez. That's more than Paul makes in a year.
Keith Richards. Don't hog all that blow, Jimi. You know, I gotta say, you all look terrible. And Janis doll, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your hands to yourself.
XOFF News. Now that we've covered the politics, let's move on to the fun stuff. How does anybody feel about seeing the Beatles and the Doors all back together again?
Morrison. Geldoff. Pass me that bottle of Wild Turkey on your desk, would you? Thanks.
Joplin. Don't be a pig, Jim. Leave some for somebody else, would you?
Richards. Let's say we get rid of these reporters and do a little jamming.
Lennon. I have a short written statement I'd like to read about world peace and the crushing burden of international debt. Could somebody lend me some reading glasses?
Morrison. Go f__k yourself, John. You always were a g_d__n bore.
Lennon. Who you calling a bore, you drunken sod? I'll smash you in your fat face in a minute.
Hendrix. Keith, what do you say we get the f__k out of here and find a party and some ho's?
Richards. Dog, you took the words right out of my mouth. (Exeunt.)
XOFF News. Well, thank you all very much. I'm sure I speak for the whole world when I tell you we're all looking forward to the concert.
Joplin. Is anybody else getting horny? [General free-for-all]
Yes, it was a rare privilege to meet the giants of music history. It's no wonder at all that Live8 is being billed as the greatest musical event since Madonna's Blond Ambition Tour. Like all the other fans, we just can't wait.
Be sure to wake us when it starts.
[Editor's Note: the music file accompanying this page is Janis Joplin's new recording of the classic "Wild Thing," soon to be on iPods everywhere.]
posted at
9:59 am
by
The XOFF News Team
Noonan Pops
the
Balloon.
Barack Obama contemplating his greatness.
Barack Obama contemplating his greatness.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
Peggy Noonan better look out. She wrote a column
this week that's bound to get her noticed by the biggest heads in
Washington. Here's a sample:
This week comes the previously careful
Sen. Barack Obama, flapping his wings in Time magazine and explaining
that he's a lot like Abraham Lincoln, only sort of better. "In
Lincoln's rise from poverty, his ultimate mastery of language and law,
his capacity to overcome personal loss and remain determined in the
face of repeated defeat--in all this he reminded me not just of my own
struggles."
Oh. So that's what Lincoln's for.
Actually Lincoln's life is a lot like Mr. Obama's. Lincoln came from a
lean-to in the backwoods. His mother died when he was 9. The Lincolns
had no money, no standing. Lincoln educated himself, reading law on his
own, working as a field hand, a store clerk and a raft hand on the
Mississippi. He also split some rails. He entered politics, knew more
defeat than victory, and went on to lead the nation through its
greatest trauma, the Civil War, and past its greatest sin, slavery.
Barack Obama, the son of two University
of Hawaii students, went to Columbia and Harvard Law after attending a
private academy that taught the children of the Hawaiian royal family.
He made his name in politics as an aggressive Chicago vote hustler in
Bill Clinton's first campaign for the presidency.
You see the similarities.
Rather delightfully, she gives much the same treatment to the senators who forged the "no filibuster, except..." deal (McCain, McCain, etc), as well as Silent Majority Leader Bill Frist, the Clintons, and Supreme Court justices Ruth Bader-Ginsberg and John Paul ("The Great") Stevens. In her coda she imagines the latter two retiring from the court to write their memoirs, which might go something like this:Like Jefferson I held to principle,
and like Lincoln I often lacked air conditioning. But in my
intellectual gifts I've always found myself to be more like Oliver
Wendell Holmes . . .
She wants to know what is in the water in Washington, DC. We want to
know what is going on with Peggy Noonan. Has she accomplished some kind
of astral body soul swap with Ann Coulter? Ms. Noonan is often clever
and perceptive, but she is never uproariously funny. Not like this. And
our suspicions were heightened when we checked out Ms. Coulter's latest
column,
which is uncharacteristically grave and lacking in yucks:That's the America you live in! A
country founded on a compact with God, forged from the idea that all
men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights is now
a country where taxpayers can be forced to subsidize "artistic"
exhibits of aborted fetuses. But don't start thinking about putting up
a Ten Commandments display. That's offensive!
Do you feel like chuckling?
You see? And that's why we're worried about Peggy. Heaven knows, Ann
Coulter's used to the abuse
and assaults that flow from being a conservative with a wicked
sense of humor. She's at the peak of training for dodging liberal
brickbats, the slings and arrows of outrageous pundits, and the
occasional cream pie that passes for reasoned argument in the halls of
academe. But is Peggy up to this?
Ann Coulter skillfully avoiding the
trajectory of an intellectually superior pie.
We suggest that Ms. Noonan immediately
hire a personal trainer and begin a gruelling regimen of twice daily
dodgeball workouts before venturing out in public again. The other
alternative would be for Ms. Noonan to go back to being Peggy Noonan
and leave being Ann Coulter to Ann Coulter.
No disrespect intended to either lady.
Just trying to be of service.
UPDATE: Thanks for the link from PoliPundit -- welcome to PoliPundit.com visitors. Feel free to take a look around.
posted at
10:46 am
by
The Headhouse Gang
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Our Condolences
Tragedy strikes the 'Today' family.
"HE IS HISTORY, AND I
AM STILL TODAY'S HEADLINE..." Life is so unfair. Matt
Lauer
tries to branch out from his Today
Show base and cash in just a little
on his popularity as the smarmy girlie-man sidekick of NBC's perkiest
dominatrix and what happens? He takes the mass-media
equivalent of a
shotgun blast to the face. He has to stand there and pretend to like it
when the numbskull TV viewers of America choose Ronald Reagan as the
"Greatest American." Who could have guessed? The nominees included
Michael
Jackson, Madonna,
Tom Cruise, and Michael
Moore, for God's
sake. And Matt had really done his usual
homework on the presentation
and production end. When it was time to discuss the relative
candidacies of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, for example, Matt was
masterly in his subliminal communication
with viewers:
It must have been disquieting when three Republicans made the list of ten finalists, but one of them was Abraham Lincoln, and both FDR and Bill Clinton made the cut too. Who could have foreseen the terrible turn things would take?
O Calamity! O Horrors! Oh, Mommy, what have they done to your poor little boy? Reagan? Reagan? REAGAN? REAGAN?
AND HE HAD TO PRETEND TO LIKE IT. O WEEPING AND WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH.
There really aren't any words that can take away the pain at a time like this, and we're reluctant to do more than gravely shake Matt's hand while a tear drips slowly down our cheek, but the desire to say something helpful is too strong to overcome. So, in addition to our condolences, we'd like to offer Matt an empty platitude or two to show that our heart is in the right place. Time is the great healer, Matt. Someday -- perhaps in a year, or two, or five -- you will awaken as a whole girlie-man once again. The sun will shine, the birds will sing, and Katie will nod briefly in your direction before storming into the producer's office for another knock-down-drag-out brawl. Trust us on this, Matt. You will recover, and maybe you'll even write a bestselling book about your heroic conquest of post-traumatic shock syndrome. Tom Cruise could play you in the movie.
Does any of this help at all? No? Okay. We'll just tiptoe out of the room now and leave you alone. Sorry.
In summarizing the lives of the 25
finalists in the Discovery Channel's "Greatest American" contest, NBC's
Matt Lauer on Sunday night labeled Bill Clinton as "brilliant" before trumpeting:
"Under Clinton the economy boomed -- deficits turned into surplus --
and more than 22 million jobs were created. Along with the character
flaws and the subpoenas came peace and prosperity." The brief segment
did not feature any explicit criticisms of Clinton's presidency, but
when it came to George W. Bush, whom Lauer described as "our
tough-talking, language-mangling Commander-in-Chief
who most Americans
just want to hang out with," Discovery put on musician "Moby," who
declared over flag-draped coffins: "From my perspective, you cannot
call yourself a Christian, talk about the sanctity of life, and then
support the death penalty, and support a war."
It must have been disquieting when three Republicans made the list of ten finalists, but one of them was Abraham Lincoln, and both FDR and Bill Clinton made the cut too. Who could have foreseen the terrible turn things would take?
The program "Greatest American," has
aired on the Discovery Channel for the last month; originally starting
with the Top 100 Greatest Americans of All Time. The list was ridiculed
and ripped apart for major exclusions of what some would consider
"obvious members" of the list as well as the inclusions of people such
as Ellen Degeneres, Brett Favre, Dr.Phil, and Oprah Winfrey.
The Top 100 dwindled down to a Top 10 two weeks ago, where
10. Franklin D.Roosevelt
9. Oprah Winfrey
8. Elvis Presley
7. Bill Clinton
6. President George W. Bush
The Top 5 was named last night with sections of the studio squared off for the crowd's favorite.
5. Ben Franklin
4. George Washington
3. Martin Luther King Jr.
Then it came down to two Republican presidents Abe Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.
President Reagan beat Lincoln for the top spot by just 0.5% of the vote.
Approximately 2.5 million people voted in the final vote via telephone and America Online.
The Top 100 dwindled down to a Top 10 two weeks ago, where
10. Franklin D.Roosevelt
9. Oprah Winfrey
8. Elvis Presley
7. Bill Clinton
6. President George W. Bush
The Top 5 was named last night with sections of the studio squared off for the crowd's favorite.
5. Ben Franklin
4. George Washington
3. Martin Luther King Jr.
Then it came down to two Republican presidents Abe Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.
President Reagan beat Lincoln for the top spot by just 0.5% of the vote.
Approximately 2.5 million people voted in the final vote via telephone and America Online.
O Calamity! O Horrors! Oh, Mommy, what have they done to your poor little boy? Reagan? Reagan? REAGAN? REAGAN?
AND HE HAD TO PRETEND TO LIKE IT. O WEEPING AND WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH.
There really aren't any words that can take away the pain at a time like this, and we're reluctant to do more than gravely shake Matt's hand while a tear drips slowly down our cheek, but the desire to say something helpful is too strong to overcome. So, in addition to our condolences, we'd like to offer Matt an empty platitude or two to show that our heart is in the right place. Time is the great healer, Matt. Someday -- perhaps in a year, or two, or five -- you will awaken as a whole girlie-man once again. The sun will shine, the birds will sing, and Katie will nod briefly in your direction before storming into the producer's office for another knock-down-drag-out brawl. Trust us on this, Matt. You will recover, and maybe you'll even write a bestselling book about your heroic conquest of post-traumatic shock syndrome. Tom Cruise could play you in the movie.
Does any of this help at all? No? Okay. We'll just tiptoe out of the room now and leave you alone. Sorry.
