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November 8, 2006 - November 1, 2006

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


InstapunkElectionThoughts

A Dissenting Voice


RIGHT AS ALWAYS. I was fully prepared to be cheerful and philosophical about the outcome of the election, especially since this site came closer to predicting the actual results than most of the right-wing blogosphere. But the sheer volume of cheerful, philosophical postings by conservative bloggers this morning gives me pause. Yeah, the Republicans might profit from the message sent by the electorate. And, yeah, a bunch of pretty dumb, listless, and corrupt Republicans got deservedly booted out of office.

Those are insufficient grounds for cheer. There's a lot more going on here than an object lesson for one political party. Of course it's possible to turn a blind eye to everything but that and go looking for bright spots, but bright spots are by definition merely spots. Here's some of the vast dark background the determinedly good losers are overlooking.

1.  A lot of the Democrats elected may be "Blue Dog" conservative types, but this remains to be seen, and there's absolutely no doubt that the new House and Senate leadership is about as far left as you can get. That's not a good omen despite all the superficial talk about cooperation and reduced partisanship.

2.  The Democrats, individually and as a party, still have absolutely no ideas to bring forward about anything. Their economic models are relics of Europe's suicidal romance with socialism, and their foreign policy models remain stuck in the self-hating time warp of Vietnam. Truthfully, they have no alternative to offer but partisan obstructionism. Politically, they are the Miss Havisham of America. This is an unmitigated disaster.

3.  The Republicans remaining in Congress are still just as stupid as they were last week and last year, and their so-called leadership is even more pitiful than the Dems -- McCain and his self-absorbed disregard for freedom of political speech, Specter and his massively unsubtle resolve to sabotage the confirmation of conservative judges, Lugar and his positively iconic exemplification of all that is dull, inarticulate, and indecisive in the Republican political class... Well, you get the point.

4. We are still at war with an implacable, stateless, utterly irrational enemy prepared to wage their crusade over decades, while the supposedly enlightened among us who should be defeating them cannot think in timeframes beyond six months.

5.  We are the complacent electorate who walked into voting booths across the nation yesterday and deliberately cut off our own noses to spite our face, voting in favor of higher taxes on ourselves, far more vicious political infighting in the Congress than we've been subjected to till now, and the absolute certainty of chaos and paralysis in the pursuit of foreign policy objectives that are vital to the national security.

A great day for American democracy? I don't think so. But go ahead and be cheerful, philosophical, humble, chastened, optimistic, gracious in your losing, and even (some of you) just a little smug. Fine. Just don't start whining in a few weeks or months when it turns out that Pelosi is Pelosi, Reid is Reid, Rangel is Rangel, Conyers is Conyers, Durbin is Durbin, Kennedy is Kennedy, and Robert Byrd is still venting his cobweb-filled head on the floor of the Congress. You won't find any sympathy here.

One more thing. The impeachment clock is ticking. Don't you dare doubt it, whatever they're saying today. Like the fable tells us, scorpions cannot change their fundamental nature. The American frog elected to give them a ride across the river. You all know what happens next.



There. Somebody had to say it.




Monday, November 06, 2006


BGNN Scoop!

Dems win, Earth explodes


BGNN. By a shockingly huge margin, the Democrats took control of both houses of the United States Congress tomorrow, November 7, paving the way for Nancy Pelosi (D), California, to become Speaker of the House and Harry Reid (D), Nevada, to become Majority Leader of the Senate.

In a related development, the planet earth spontaneously exploded a few hours later, extinguishing hundreds of endangered species and fouling the environment in ways too numerous to mention. In addition, the planet's six and a half billion human inhabitants were instantaneously vaporized by the blast, which Speaker-Elect Pelosi described as "yet another example of the gross negligence and incompetence of the Bush administration."

Final vote tallies were not available due to the destruction wreaked by the end of life as we know it, but it is believed that the Democrats gained more than 40 seats in the House and more than 10 in the Senate. Majority Leader-Elect Reid called it "a ringing affirmation of the policies and positions of the Democratic Party" and said it proved that "the American people have rejected the unilateralism and elitist tax policies of the Republicans."

Reid went on to express his "grave disappointment" about the annihilation of the earth, "because now we will be denied our rightful opportunity to demonstrate to the people of America and the world that the United States can protect itself without being a military bully, a sadistic jailer, or a tactless eavesdropper on private conversations between political activists at home and abroad.

"The world would have been a much better place," he said, "if only Bush and his cronies hadn't blown it up. We Democrats just plain care more about people, and now we'll never get the chance to prove it. It's a pisser."

Reid and Pelosi both promised extensive hearings to assign blame to the President for the "criminal failure of this administration to prevent the death of everyone and everything."

Presidential press secretary Tony Snow called the Democrat charges "purely political" and said the evidence suggested the explosion was caused by the "unthinkable Democratic victory," not Republican malfeasance. He added that FEMA was responding to the disaster "as well as can be expected under the circumstances."

He also said that the heavy Republican losses in the election were caused largely by an unexpectedly low turnout and professed the belief that people hadn't lost faith in the administration but had fallen prey to "the natural desire for change we've seen time and again in the sixth year of a presidency."

Various pollsters who failed to predict the enormity of the Democratic landslide could not be reached for comment.





Friday, November 03, 2006


Pre-Election Bombshell!

Lawn Jockey Slams Malkin,
Steele, and the Republicans



XOFF NEWS. In a desperate attempt to find something, anything, outrageous to put in print on the last Friday before the election, XOFF News reporters have tracked down the most senior Lawn Jockey in Maryland to get his response to this quote from Michelle Malkin's blog:

Steele has tapped into bubbling discontent among independent-thinking minority voters--a phenomenon ignored by MSM elites intent on smearing him as an Uncle Tom, sellout, or "lawn jockey" and pandering to the tired, old liberal establishment.

Lemuel Jones, as he likes to be called, has spent a lifetime guarding the front entrance of one of the oldest surviving mansions in Annapolis, Maryland. But that doesn't mean he's a traitor to his race.

"I've voted straight Democratic in every election they take me to," he said in a personal interview Friday. "Just who is that Malkin woman to be telling stories about me? She's one of those Asians, isn't she? Probably Korean. Or Jewish. I've got no use for her kind."

On the touchy subject of whether he's going to vote for Maryland's black senate candidate, Michael Steele, Mr. Jones is firm: "He's a Republican. I don't vote for Republicans, white, black, brown, or purple. Never did. Never will. Period. So if my ride shows up, I'm going for the other fella."

Why, he's asked, do people continually think that black people of his profession are closet conservatives, capitalists, and other despicable things?

"I don't know," he says. "I never even had an Uncle Tom. Maybe it's the uniiform. I'd like to put my cap on backward and wear my pants underneath my buttocks like all the other homeys white women like so much, but I wasn't allowed to go to college in my day, so this is the kind of job I have to take. But I'll tell you one thing," he adds, "I'm no sellout. I don't ever smile at all the rich white crackers who drive through this entrance. And that goes double for Michael Steele and all the other white, racist Republicans -- like that no-account Malkin broad. And that Bush. Did I tell you how much I hate the President? Well, I do. Any more questions?"

No. That's about it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to track down a lead about Laura Bush's torrid sexual affair with Lynn Cheney and George Bush's secret deal to let Halliburton strip-mine all the blue states for coal slag. One of these stories just has to break in time to make sure the Dems win the Senate on Tuesday. Trust us. Would we lie?




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