Instapun*** Archive Listing

Archive Listing
July 3, 2006 - June 26, 2006

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Al Qaida Announces New
U.S. Branch Offices, VPs

Al Qaida Headquarters on "Great Satan Appreciation Day"

SUMWERABAD, PAKISTAN--At a press conference in the Pakistani headquarters of Al Qaida (AQ), the organization's press liaison announced the worldwide celebration of "Great Satan Appreciation Day" in honor of recently concluded agreements creating two U.S. branch offices, one in New York City and one in Washington, DC. The new offices will coordinate all tactical operations within the continental United States, and to oversee a planned dramatic escalation of such activities, AQ has also named two senior operational vice presidents within the U.S.

Press Secretary Ali Ali Aachs'n Fariq said, "We are exceptionally pleased that our two domestic startups within the Great Satan have come together so efficiently and easily, which we believe portends a new era in AQ strategic successes.

"Our Senior Vice President of Operations, New York, will be the former executive editor of the New York Times, William Keller, who has also played a key role in enabling us to acquire financing for our lease of the current New York Times building.

"The two organizations will share office space within the building until the Times moves into its new headquarters sometime in 2007, if it is still standing at that time," joked Aachs'n Fariq.

He announced a similar scheme for Washington operations. "We have also signed an agreement to share space with the United States Supreme Court, which occupies an extremely large edifice that's really much too big for nine old loafers and the handful of gofers who attend to their dietary and beverage needs," Aachs'n Fariq said.

Again, the press secretary couldn't resist the opportunity for a mild jest. "In light of their recent decisions straitjacketing the Great Satan's President and the military in their competition with AQ, they were happy to give up some of their surplus square footage in exchange for the implicit assurance that the roof wouldn't be crashed onto their flimsy old skulls by an American jetliner."

Aachs'n Fariq returned to a serious tone in announcing that AQ's new Senior Vice President of Operations, Washington, DC, will be Associate Justice John Paul Stevens, expected to retire immediately from the Supreme Court , according to the secretary, "now that he has authored the truly incredible Hamdan decision that eliminates our last barriers to the full protection of the Great Satan's insane legal system."

The press secretary also explained that the plan to establish large-scale operational facilities within the U.S. had existed on paper for some time, but couldn't be implemented because of continual unexpected breakdowns in funding, as well as staffing shortfalls and other inconveniences caused by U.S. law enforcement activities that will now be terminated.

"We are supremely confident," he concluded, "that the downturn we've experienced during the last several fiscal years is finished and that we will soon be delighting our shareholders the way we did in the glorious period from 1997 to 2002."

"Happy days are here again," he said.

Al Qaida New York (left) and Al Qaida, Washington, DC (right)

At press time, vice presidents Keller and Stevens could not be reached for comment.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Gray Lady Down

To New Yorkers, the U.S. is a foreign nation.

THE SMART ONES. The editors of the New York Times seem taken aback by the furious nationwide response to their exposure of a legal and effective secret anti-terror program of the United States. They're nonplussed by the outrage. Just as other New York-based media titans have been nonplussed by events large and small in the new media environment created by the internet -- from the continuing shocked denial of Dan Rather and Mary Mapes at the lightning absoluteness of their humiliation, to the comic befuddlement of Connie Chung about the instant ubiquity of her embarrassing farewell to MSNBC's 2,386 viewers.

There's a reason for this. They live in a very small world. Forget the impressive population figures that tell us how many human souls reside in New York. Most of them are irrelevant dross. Our interest is the New York of the Press. Their city -- the locus of most of the publishing and 80 percent of the news decision making on the continent -- actually consists of just a few thousand of the "right" people, rightly educated, correctly oriented in terms of culture, taste, and politics, and perfectly isolated from what happens outside their small and incestuous social circle. They tread the same few routes along the avenues, congregate at the same handful of acceptable restaurants, and inform themselves from exactly the same list of approved books, magazines, newspapers, and 'films.' (You can forget the L.A. Times in this particular contretemps by the way: like the rest of the community of pseudo-New York journalists, they're just imitating the Big Bitch known as the Gray Lady.) If you ever hope to communicate with them, you have to put things in the extremely parochial terms they understand.

That's what we're up to today. The rest of this entry is an attempt to explain to the New York Times what's been happening in the past few days. Our medium of communication is one they might actually be able to process -- the trenchant sophistication of the one-panel cartoon perfected by the greatest magazine that ever proclaimed itself the greatest magazine in America, The New Yorker.

Non-New Yorkers may find the following summary obscure. But don't worry. That's the way they like it.

The Editorial Decision Process

The Scoop

Keep that up, and you won't have any friends left.

The Editors (Try to) Close Ranks

O.K., which one of us is talking now?

The President Responds

Defending the Decision

The Blogosphere Understands

The Editors Are "Puzzled"

O.K., so I screwed up. He didn't have to rub my nose in it.

"The Paper of Record"

Not tonight, dear. You've gained forty pounds and lost most of your hair.

The Silence of the Liberals

The Gray Lady of Tomorrow

Does that clear anything up for you, boys and girls?

UPDATE. Even though Ace of Spades stole my (stolen) title, he's tracking the fall of the NYT quantitatively. And, as always, Michelle Malkin is all over the story too.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

AFP: "Space debris to
pass metres from ISS"

Undocumented aliens closing in on International Space Station

NEWS FLASH. There's a frightening report out from the AFP wire service:

MOSCOW - A piece of space debris... could pass within 240 metres (800 feet) of the International Space Station (ISS)...

Officials at the [Russian Space] centre... indicated that the debris might pose a threat to the ISS and that its inhabitants, Russian cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov and US astronaut Jeffrey Williams, might have to move into an escape vessel as a precaution.

We concede that our Dowdian use of leader dots conceals the fact that no one presently believes a collision will occur; however, the footage we've acquired -- via Dan Rather's nephew in the NYT photo department -- suggests that the problem of illegal immigation may have just increased by an order of magnitude. If outer space is now filling up with undocumented alien Chebbies, who is safe anywhere on earth?

What would happen if the ceaseless flow of millions of Mexican refugees were somehow distributed across the planet -- to England and France and Germany, to Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Israel, Palestine, Jordan, the UAR, Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, North and South Korea, Japan, Algeria, Somalia, Sudan, Canada, Brazil, Argentina, Iceland, Russia, the Ukraine, Finland, Indonesia, the Philippines, and the Czech Republic?


Come to think of it, this is an idea worth considering. It's got real possibilities. Mexico would be completely empty of people in short order. We could use the place as a maximum security prison, like a much bigger Guantanamo. Cool. Other nations could get some good out of it too. The U.K. might learn that knife control is an impossible objective. Cool. The French and the Germans might learn... well, they never learn anything, but Europe generally might benefit from the arrival of a whole bunch of new indigents determined to test the heretofore boundless generosity of their socialist economies. Cool. The eastern European states might finally forget all their ancient intramural ethnic hatreds and start getting serious about having a functioning international economy based on cooperation and law instead of black-market thuggery. Cool. The intensely racist, insular states of the far east would finally have to learn something about what it means to be a heterogeneous state. Cool. In the near east, the Indians probably wouldn't notice the influx at all unless their Bollywood motion picture productions suddenly acquired mariachi sound tracks and women who constantly shake their rear ends, but the Islamofascists of Araby would suddenly have to confront a brand new infidel "Satan" to despise and conspire against. Maybe they'd even get so busy with their new jihad that they'd forget about hating people who live thousands of miles away. Very cool. Spanish could become the new worldwide language of the underclass, and since our cops and government bureaucrats already understand Spanish we'd have a leg up on national security issues. Super cool.

What if we developed a secret intelligence operation to disseminate maps in every corner of Mexico showing the way to the U.S. border, only printed upside down so that everyone would hightail it to the Panama Canal, where they'd jump over the wall right onto a ship headed somewhere, anywhere but here?

Forget it. The New York Times would publish the whole story before it ever got off the ground. Except if nobody told them about it. So don't. It's not like they actually work at getting their stories. They sit by the phone waiting for some pissed-off bureaucrat to call them with a damaging leak. So don't tell any pissed-off bureaucrats either. If we handle this right, the whole crazy plan might just work. And wouldn't that be grand?

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