July 3, 2006 - June 26, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Al Qaida Announces New
U.S. Branch Offices, VPs
Al Qaida Headquarters on "Great Satan
a press conference in the Pakistani headquarters of Al Qaida (AQ), the
organization's press liaison announced the worldwide celebration of
"Great Satan Appreciation Day" in honor of recently concluded
agreements creating two U.S. branch offices, one in New York City and
one in Washington, DC. The new offices will coordinate all tactical
operations within the continental United States, and to oversee a
planned dramatic escalation of such activities, AQ has also named two
senior operational vice presidents within the U.S.
Press Secretary Ali Ali Aachs'n Fariq said, "We are exceptionally
pleased that our two domestic startups within the Great Satan have come
together so efficiently and easily, which we believe portends a new era
in AQ strategic successes.
"Our Senior Vice President of Operations, New York, will be the former
executive editor of the New York Times, William Keller, who has also
played a key role in enabling us to acquire financing for our lease of
the current New York Times building.
"The two organizations will share office space within the building
until the Times moves into its new headquarters sometime in 2007, if it
is still standing at that time," joked Aachs'n Fariq.
He announced a similar scheme for Washington operations. "We have also
signed an agreement to share space with the United States Supreme
Court, which occupies an extremely large edifice that's really much too
big for nine old loafers and the handful of gofers who attend to their
dietary and beverage needs," Aachs'n Fariq said.
Again, the press secretary couldn't resist the opportunity for a mild
jest. "In light of their recent decisions straitjacketing the Great
President and the military in their competition with AQ, they were
happy to give up some of their surplus square footage in exchange for
the implicit assurance that the roof wouldn't be crashed onto their
flimsy old skulls by an American jetliner."
Aachs'n Fariq returned to a serious tone in announcing that AQ's new
Senior Vice President of Operations, Washington, DC, will be Associate
Justice John Paul Stevens, expected to retire immediately from the
Supreme Court , according to the secretary, "now that he has authored
the truly incredible Hamdan decision that eliminates our last barriers to the
full protection of the Great Satan's insane legal system."
The press secretary also explained that the plan to establish
large-scale operational facilities within the U.S. had existed on paper
for some time, but couldn't be implemented because of continual
unexpected breakdowns in funding, as well as staffing shortfalls and
other inconveniences caused by U.S. law enforcement activities that
will now be terminated.
"We are supremely confident," he concluded, "that the downturn we've
experienced during the last several fiscal years is finished and that
we will soon be delighting our shareholders the way we did in the
glorious period from 1997 to 2002."
"Happy days are here again," he said.
Al Qaida New York (left) and Al
Qaida, Washington, DC (right)
At press time, vice presidents Keller and Stevens could not be reached
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Gray Lady Down
To New Yorkers, the U.S.
is a foreign nation.
The Editorial Decision Process
Keep that up, and you won't have any
. The editors of the New York Times
seem taken aback by the furious nationwide response to their exposure
of a legal and effective secret anti-terror program of the United
States. They're nonplussed by the outrage. Just as other New York-based
media titans have been nonplussed by events large and small in the new
media environment created by the internet -- from the continuing
shocked denial of Dan Rather and Mary Mapes at the lightning
absoluteness of their humiliation, to the comic befuddlement of Connie
Chung about the instant ubiquity of her embarrassing
MSNBC's 2,386 viewers.
There's a reason for this. They live in a very small world. Forget the
impressive population figures that tell us how many human souls reside
in New York. Most of them are irrelevant dross. Our interest is the New
York of the Press. Their city -- the locus of most of the publishing
and 80 percent of the news decision making on the continent -- actually
consists of just a few thousand of the "right" people, rightly
educated, correctly oriented in terms of culture, taste, and politics,
and perfectly isolated from what happens outside their small and
incestuous social circle. They tread the same few routes along the
avenues, congregate at the same handful of acceptable restaurants, and
inform themselves from exactly the same list of approved books,
magazines, newspapers, and 'films.' (You can forget the L.A. Times in this
particular contretemps by the way: like the rest of the community of pseudo-New
York journalists, they're just imitating the Big Bitch known as the Gray
Lady.) If you ever hope to communicate with them, you have to put
things in the extremely parochial terms they understand.
That's what we're up to today. The rest of this entry is an attempt to
explain to the New York Times what's been happening in the past few
days. Our medium of communication is one they might actually be able to
process -- the trenchant sophistication of the one-panel cartoon
perfected by the greatest magazine that ever proclaimed itself the
greatest magazine in America, The New Yorker.
Non-New Yorkers may find the following summary obscure. But don't
worry. That's the way they like it.
(Try to) Close Ranks
O.K., which one of us is talking now?
The President Responds
Defending the Decision
The Blogosphere Understands
The Editors Are "Puzzled"
O.K., so I screwed up. He didn't have
to rub my nose in it.
"The Paper of Record"
Not tonight, dear. You've gained
forty pounds and lost most of your hair.
The Silence of the Liberals
The Gray Lady of Tomorrow
Does that clear anything up for you,
boys and girls?
Even though Ace of
stole my (stolen) title, he's tracking the fall of the NYT
quantitatively. And, as always, Michelle Malkin
is all over the story too.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
AFP: "Space debris to
pass metres from ISS"
aliens closing in on International Space Station
a frightening report
out from the AFP wire service:
MOSCOW - A piece of space debris...
could pass within 240 metres (800 feet) of the International Space
Officials at the [Russian Space] centre... indicated that the debris
might pose a threat to the ISS and that its inhabitants, Russian
cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov and US astronaut Jeffrey Williams, might
have to move into an escape vessel as a precaution.
We concede that our Dowdian
use of leader dots conceals the fact that no one presently believes a
collision will occur; however, the footage we've acquired -- via Dan
Rather's nephew in the NYT photo department -- suggests that the
problem of illegal immigation may have just increased by an order of
magnitude. If outer space is now filling up with undocumented alien
Chebbies, who is safe anywhere on earth?
What would happen if the ceaseless flow of millions of Mexican refugees
were somehow distributed across the planet -- to England and France and
Germany, to Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Israel, Palestine, Jordan, the
UAR, Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, North and South Korea, Japan,
Algeria, Somalia, Sudan, Canada, Brazil, Argentina, Iceland, Russia,
the Ukraine, Finland, Indonesia, the Philippines, and the Czech
Come to think of it, this is an idea worth considering. It's got real
possibilities. Mexico would be completely empty of people in short
order. We could use the place as a maximum security prison, like a much
bigger Guantanamo. Cool. Other nations could get some good out of it too.
The U.K. might learn that knife control is an impossible objective.
Cool. The French and the Germans might learn... well, they never learn
anything, but Europe generally might benefit from the arrival of a
whole bunch of new indigents determined to test the heretofore
boundless generosity of their socialist economies. Cool. The eastern
European states might finally forget all their ancient intramural
ethnic hatreds and start getting serious about having a functioning
international economy based on cooperation and law instead of
black-market thuggery. Cool. The intensely racist, insular states of
the far east would finally have
to learn something about what it means to be a heterogeneous state.
Cool. In the near east, the Indians probably wouldn't notice the influx
at all unless their Bollywood motion picture productions suddenly
acquired mariachi sound tracks and women who constantly shake their
rear ends, but the Islamofascists of Araby would suddenly have to
confront a brand new infidel "Satan" to despise and conspire against.
Maybe they'd even get so busy with their new jihad that they'd
forget about hating people who live thousands of miles away. Very cool.
Spanish could become the new worldwide language of the underclass, and
since our cops and government bureaucrats already understand Spanish
we'd have a leg up on national security issues. Super cool.
What if we developed a secret intelligence operation to disseminate
maps in every corner of Mexico showing the way to the U.S. border, only
printed upside down so that everyone would hightail it to the Panama
Canal, where they'd jump over the wall right onto a ship headed
somewhere, anywhere but here?
Forget it. The New York Times would publish the whole story before it
ever got off the ground. Except if nobody told them about it. So don't.
It's not like they actually work at getting their stories. They sit by
the phone waiting for some pissed-off bureaucrat to call them with a
damaging leak. So don't tell any pissed-off bureaucrats either. If we
handle this right, the whole crazy plan might just work. And wouldn't
that be grand?