December 14, 2005 - December 7, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
The Pepsi Challenge
'Seasonal Dude' -- A bold advertising
. Cigarette maker Phillip Morris devotes much of its advertising
dollar to informing its customers of the dangers of smoking. Oil
refiner BP, advertising its love of the environment and dedication to
alternative energy sources, claims that its initials stand for Beyond
Petroleum rather than British Petroleum. And now soft drink giant
Pepsico has unveiled an 'anti-mascot' that appears to be aimed squarely
at the large red belly of rival Coca-Cola. The figure known as
'Seasonal Dude' will have a no-nonsense message for consumers during
the final weeks of December. Copy from ads due to run on the alphabet
networks, MTV, VH1, Spike, and the Comedy Channel feature a truculent
Seasonal Dude uttering such pearls of wisdom as, "Me, I've had it with
the capitalist conspiracy to make billions from a stupid myth... I
don't need no religious bling bling or no bitch in a red suit to feel
good about myself... I don't need no damn tree in my crib or a bunch of
boring old kiddy tunes or any other sugary crap to make me feel good...
All I need is some Diet Pepsi mixed with good times, if you know what
Pepsico denies the company is attacking Christmas or its traditions.
"We have nothing against the C-Word," said a company spokesperson
interviewed by telephone. "It's just that our customers belong to a new
generation that 's too cool to get caught up in all the conventional
holiday claptrap. We think they'll respond to a campaign that says out
loud what so many of them are thinking in private. We believe Seasonal Dude makes an excellent role model for young people and intellectuals of all stripes. In fact, we'd be
very surprised if this campaign doesn't lock up 90 percent of the
university and college market, as well as 60 percent of the market in
the blue states. We're very confident."
Industry analysts suggest that Pepsi's ambitions go far beyond domestic
sales. They point to recent trends in Europe and the Middle
East, where new soft drink brands like Mecca Cola
, and others
are being introduced to take advantage of virulent anti-American
Pepsi ad copy aimed at foreign markets, for example, has Seasonal Dude
confiding, "If you're like me, red, white, and blue don't stand for
America or that rag they call a flag -- red, white, and blue means
Pepsi-Cola... If you want to stick it to Coke and the big red Satan, do
what I do and stick with the Pepsi red crescent. Ma sha' Allah
A Coca-Cola spokesperson was cautious in his comments about the Pepsi
campaign. "We understand their desire for product differentiation in a
competitive market," he said, "but it does seem a bit retro. Coca-Cola
hasn't employed the large bearded person in the red suit in our
advertising in quite some time, and we don't believe this effort to
associate us with the present unpopularity of that character or with an
obviously outmoded holiday of whatever name will succeed."
Cola's marketing nightmare -- Santa and the C-Word.
Coca-Cola is hoping that soft drink consumers have already forgotten
this extremely lengthy history
Perhaps they are right. American consumers seem to be capable of
forgetting just about anything.
UPDATE, 10:45 AM
Pepsico has just issued a press release announcing, without
explanation, that 'Seasonal Dude' has been permanently cancelled
Monday, December 12, 2005
Help for Howard Dean
at it again. We really want to be of assistance.
. It's hard to know what to do for a man who's as bright as
a Roman candle, firing off in all directions without illuminating
anything but his own stupidity. You can't engage him in rational
discussion because behind the Yale accent there's nothing but a
tempestuous twit. You can't persuade him to read books that might
replace the sour pudding in his head with information because he's 1) a
politician and 2)
which means that he's 1) incapable of reading more than a sentence or
two at a sitting and 2)
sure he's infallible. You can't beat any sense into him because it's
against the law and probably wouldn't work anyway. It's enough to make
a person despair.
So we typed in the address despair.com
and guess what we found? The perfect kind of vehicle for helping Dean
and the Democrats through the vale of tears they have so determinedly
created for themselves. They're in the form of motivational posters --
beautiful photographs, simple wording, and wise perspectives on
a variety of liberal maladies. For example, we'd suggest that Dean's
secretary put up the following posters -- one for each wall -- in the
DNC chairman's office:
And here's one to put up in the office of every staffer at the DNC:
And, finally, one that should be mailed to all the rank-and-file
afflicted with Bush Derangement Syndrome:
No, the posters probably won't change anything, but at least we took a
shot at it.
P.S. By all means go take a look at Despair.com
. You could
even buy something and SEND it to a Democrat.
Friday, December 09, 2005
The New Europe
Yesterday, President Isn Ah Uman of Iran made a radical proposal
for solving the problems of the middle east. Specifically, he:
...expressed doubt the Holocaust took
place and suggested the Jewish state of Israel be moved to Europe.
His comments, reported by Iran's official IRNA news agency from a news
conference he gave in the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca, follow his call
in October for Israel to be "wiped off the map", which sparked
widespread international outrage.
The latest comments also provoked quick condemnation. German Chancellor
Angela Merkel called them "totally unacceptable" and British Foreign
Secretary Jack Straw said "I condemn them unreservedly. They have no
place in civilized political debate."
We think the Europeans are being a mite hasty here. It could actually
work out. The map above shows one implementation of the idea, which
gives Israel some land on the continent of Europe. The only people who
will be inconvenienced by this are some French and Germans, but it's
been well established by now that they would never react like the
Palestinians because they don't think there's anything worth fighting
for ever. Yes, they'd have to find other places to go, but unlike the
Palestinians, they have cars (mostly
and credit cards, which means
they're free to travel and wouldn't have to squat in tent cities
recruiting adolescent suicide bombers to kill for them. In fact, the really
great news is that the
French and Germans have practically given up having kids, so the pool
of potential suicide bombers is small. And since they don't observe any
kind of religion anymore, the few kids they do have probably can't be talked into
murdering civilians for the greater glory of God.
The more we think about this plan, the more it seems like a win/win
approach. The Israelis are resourceful and ambitious enough to revive
the flatlined economies of France and Germany, which would be a boon
for the rest of Europe. In their new homeland they'd no longer be
surrounded by fanatical barbarians but pusillanimous decadents, which
would enable Israelis -- literally -- to make love not war, providing
the continent of Europe with a desperately needed baby boom. They also
have just the right kind of experience to sort out the problems the
French found so vexing in the muslim slums of Paris. All the car
burning and other nighttime nonsense would probably come to an abrupt
Things will get better. You'll see.
We understand that people will carp and nitpick about the plight of the
French and Germans who have to find new neighborhoods, but there's
every reason to think it can be accomplished without too much ruckus.
Europeans are among the most politically correct of the world's
self-hating leftists, and so they surely must
see that social justice is not
a matter of equal treatment under the law, but of accelerating
appeasement of the ancient grievances of minorities. It's not as if the
French and Germans aren't aware that their ancestors hated and
persecuted the Jews. The due date for reparations has come. And thanks
to their colonial and expansionist pasts, they all have places to
go. Historically, the Germans have proved many times that they know the
way to Belgium, to Austria, to Poland, to Holland, and to Norway, and
if they want a change of climate, they can always go stay with
relatives in Argentina and Paraguay. The French have even more
alternatives. They can move to the sunny south with their dear old friends
in Algeria, Somalia, and the Sudan. They can indulge their inveterate
sense of superiority with their poor relations in Quebec. And since
they've been so incredibly supportive of the Palestinians all these
years, they could even go live in the former Israel to show the rest of
us how easy it is to have neighbors like the Arafat family.
It's true that Chirac and Merkel are going to cut up rough about the
new scheme, at least for a while, but sooner or later they'll see that
there's a silver lining. As heads of state in exile, they would do what
all heads of state in exile do -- live in sybaritic splendor in Paris.
No more elections, no more electorate, no more accountability for
results. Just five-star restaurants, bulletproof limos, lavish
penthouses and estates, endlessly revolving credit, and daily photo ops
with the global media. Where can you get a better deal than that?
Is anyone else starting to see how beautifully this could all work out?
We thought so.