Instapun*** Archive Listing

Archive Listing
October 15, 2004 - October 8, 2004

Friday, October 15, 2004

Blame Your Neighbor Before He Can Blame You
Bill O'Reilly has been sued. But, the press release from Fox (pdf) and his own Talking Points Memo (Source Archive) spoke about his law suit against Ms Andrea Mackris and her attorney, Benedict P. Morelli & Associates, P.C. because they attempted to extort $60mm from him and Fox. That seems to miss the big story that he and his employers, Fox News and Westwood One, are all DEFENDANTS in an 85+ point complaint that names names and relates details that had better not be on tape or some other type of supporting evidence or Bill O'Reilly will, himself, be factored. In fact, we may be witnessing Mr. O'Reilly enjoying the first fruits of a setback -- namely, the unequaled pleasure of blaming your Setback on others ( Ned.36.8ff).

Wow, upon reading the full complaint, every word in Ms Mackris's complaint sounds exactly like something Bill O'Reilly would say -- am I wrong?!

Our thought here is that Mrs. O'Reilly will know if the complaint is real or not -- somehow. And, if she is smart, she'll get while the gettin' is good. That means before Fox figures it out and puts a severe clamp on Mr. O'Reilly's income. Right now may be the most Bill O'Reilly is worth for a long time to come. So keep an eye out for a divorce -- and, more importantly, a property settlement -- as the weeks wind on.

Some direct questions could be put to the Factor host which he could answer without impacting his standing in the case. Like -- Did you ever call Ms Mackris at home after 9:00 p.m.? Did you ever go to dinner with Ms Mackris? Did you provide professional advice to Ms Mackris? And, a more general type question, "Can you describe your relationship with Ms Mackris?" I know, you're not supposed to talk about pending litigation, but don't these questions seem harmless enough?

We here at InstaPunk don't pretend to speak for the folks and we certainly aren't looking out for anyone -- especially, you. In fact, the Chain Gang can't really even speak for InstaPunk anymore than Puck Punk can . . . some of us really hate each other and isn't that beautiful? This O'Reilly was getting on our last nerve here and we can only imagine how his whole act was playing with people that started out hating him.

Innocent until proven guilty, but, headlines, stories, features, and interviews until that day. Shamadamma.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Being as Judeo-Christian as You Want
Talk about nuance . . . Last night, the moderator asked Sen. Kerry, "The New York Times reports that some Catholic archbishops are telling their church members that it would be a sin to vote for a candidate like you because you support a woman's right to choose an abortion and unlimited stem-cell research."

You can read the transcript (Source Archive) if you'd like, but we made a couple of flow charts so you can follow the varying approaches to law, morals, and abortion. Pretty fun, what with all the Judeo-Christianity flying around . . .

Democracy -- Meaning Rule by Apes
For those following the Electoral Vote Predictor. As of 10/14/2004, it is Bush 284 | Kerry 228 a shift in President Bush's favor from 10/7/2004 where it was Bush 264 | Kerry 253.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Hockey -- which is an excellent way . . .
Continuing to keep it goin during the anyshell lockout -- happy?

My agent was screaming at everybody last week after my first post. It was kinda funny. First, he insists he told me that it is a lockout, not a strike. He says the owners stop us from playing the hockey, not the players stopping the hockey which makes the no hockey a lockout not a strike. I think I understand.

The next thing he screamed at was the guys at InstaPunk. They changed 'anyshell' to 'NHL' which he says he says nothing is to be changed in my column and he means NOTHING. I don't see the difference but the guys say you will see what I write from now on which is good.

The lockout means the whole anyshell has meesed 122 games. I mees the hockey. My legs are getting skinnier and skinnier. I try to run but nothing like skating. My man at the bank called me Friday and asked if I wanted to cash in a CD to put in checking account. He says that will fill it back up until I play the hockey again. I told him the money was in bank. He said but it is not in checking account and that is why they didn't pay the Hummer guy for my new car. The Hummer guy was really mad at me and asked how a guy like me could bounce a $85,349 check. I told him that I did not understand, 'bounce.' He told me to call bank guy who told me about CD. Everything seems good now.

I love the Hummer. My Dad says it looks like an army truck. I say it is cool.

My InstaPunk check came today. I did not know checks could be so small. My agent told me to send to bank. I did.

One more thing I've been able to do while not playing the hockey -- watch the anyfell. Those anyfell players have all the money. I think because people in America love the football. But, why does the anyfell put up a net when the players kick the ball? The anyshell has nets, but that is because pucks go into the stands and kill people. Are they just trying to hold on to the ball -- what could it cost? Very cheap.

That's all to next week.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Arriving in North America
Happy Saint Brendanís Day! I know what you're thinking, ĎWhoís Saint Brendan and what happened to Christopher Columbus?í. Well, Iíll tell ya. You may not know it, surprise surprise, but the first man to the new world was an Irishman!

St. Brendan and his band of Irish monks set sail sometime near 500 A.D. in a small boat made of animal skins. They set up monasteries along the way (coming near Greenland and Iceland), which Norsemen later recorded finding. St. Brendan and his group finally landed on St. Brendanís Island (otherwise known as Newfoundland), before making their successful journey home. People donít know how far into America the monks traveled, but some believe they came as far as West Virginia. If you want to read the full tale, hereís the link:

Anyway, I just thought everyone should know about yet another Irishman who got the shit end of the stick when it came to the history books.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Not to Mention Large Parts of Europe
Blunton, Belgravia -- It is not often that gets to break news, but we truly believe we have the goods on Senator Kerry's plan to broaden the coalition dealing with Iraq, and at the same time attract a heretofore ignored ally the Bush Administration has totally mishandled.

Having been dispatched by Chain Gang at to this unknown center of European power, your humble corresponsdent has been studying up on the Kingdom of Belgravia. A monarchy in central Europe which has for the past 200 years been overlooked by every great European power and especially by the United States and the Bush Administration, Belgravia is a nation in possession of constitutionally mandated million-man army that hasn't been deployed in combat since its last great European ally, Napoleon, called upon them in the early 19th century.

Since that time, Belgravia has experienced a series of humiliating breakdowns in its diplomatic relations with all the great European powers as well as the United States. Ostracized from participation in World War I and World War II because of petty protocol conflicts with other combatant nations, the Belgravian infantry has been forced to watch the great wars in Europe and other parts of the world from the sidelines. Yet despite his country's near invisibility on the world stage, King Bel Ringade, the current monarch, has presided over one of Europe's most amazing success stories. This small country of 40 million souls now boasts the largest trade surplus in Central Europe, totalling more than $6.2 trillion dollars US in 2003. A completely socialized medical care system has achieved the highest average life expectancy in Europe at a fraction of the cost other western democracies incur to provide inferior services.

Today, Belgravia silently runs Europe's largest economy -- just over $10 trillion US in GDP -- while the EU power brokers in France, Germany, and Belgium continue to obstruct Belgravian admission rto European leadership ranks. Although a member of the U.N. since 1952, Belgravia has also been relegated to back-bench status in the world body and never been offered even a temporary seat on the U.N. Security Counsel. The blackballing of Belgravia has extended to U.S. presidential administrations as well. The Johnson Administration, during its conflict in Vietnam, spurned Belgravia's discreet offers to augment U.S. forces with crack troops from its million-man army -- just as Truman scorned Belgravian assistance during the Korean War (1950-1954).

But Belgravian diplomats have learned to take such such slights in silence. Their unique culture prizes etiquette as much as it does military adventurism. U.S. State Department insiders report that Belgravia has been locked out of martial engagements for two reasons: first, because Belgravian statesmen exhibit an "unbecoming eagerness to go to war," regardless of the political context; and second, because once insulted, the Belgravian sense of honor disallows any public expression of protest, discontent, or anger. Rather, the anger inspired by centuries of snubs is channelled into a military mindset that has been called "the most ferocious since the era of Attila the Hun." Civilized aversion to Belgravian militarism was the prime cause of Wilson's adamantine refusal of Belgravian assistance in the final year of World War I and Roosevelt's abrupt dismissal of Belgravia as an ally after Pearl Harbor. The great western nations have generally been willing to start and win savage wars, but they abhor the possibility that they may seem to be enjoying themselves as they do so. Thus it was that Bush 41 issued an emphatic "No!" to the Belgravian bid to join the Desert Storm coalition, and Bush 43 acceded to Colin Powell's demand that Belgravia be excluded from the Coalition of the Willing in the current conflict -- "willing" is one thing, and "rabidly anxious" is quite another.

Having unearthed this long hidden history, Instapunk can now report that it is the Belgravian contingent Senator Kerry was referring to when he said unnamed European leaders favored his candidacy for the Presidency. In fact, the international summit Sen. Kerry has repeatedly promised may well be held in Blunton, Belgravia.

While the mainstream media ( Source Archive) are reporting that Sen. Kerry may be unable to expand the involvement of western allies, they are completely ignoring the possibility of a very significant participation by the Belgravian army which only Senator Kerry has the bona fides to negotiate. Unnamed sources in the Kerry campaign hint that Belgravia may be willing to provide in excess of 200,000 troops on the ground in Iraq and more than $250 billion in direct aid. What would the Belgravians expect in return? Respect from the haughty peaceniks of Europe and an end to 200 years of diplomatic rudeness by Europe and the U.S.

Why does anyone think Senator Kerry could deliver Belgravian support for the foundering Coaliton of the Willing? Because only Senator Kerry possesses the nuanced sense of diplomacy that can accommodate both Belgravia's martial bloodlust and its obsessive need for punctilious politeness. Unnamed European press sources confide that the Belgravian foreign minister is perhaps the leading admirer of Kerry's position(s) on the Iraq War, privately lauding the American's ability to communicate his resolute support for victory on the ground while simultaneously insisting that the Bush administration was unforgivably ill mannered in so disrespecting Saddam by failing to tolerate another round of inspections. In Belgravia this kind of thinking is neither contradictory nor indecisive. It is, well, Belgravian.

Beyond this fundamental cultural accord, Kerry also enjoys a long history of personal ties to the Belgravian royal family. He and the King attended the same private school in Switzerland as young men, participating on the same athletic teams and excelling equally at the elaborate interteam courtesies practiced at the most elite schools AND the fight-to-the-death ruthlessness that characterized their play on the field. Since that time, Senator Kerry has continued to maintain close ties with the Belgravian hierarchy, presciently aware that such an ally might one day prove indispensible.

For all these reasons, we believe the Belgravian armed forces are the trump card so often alluded to by the Kerry campaign. His seemingly absurd contention that he can replace AMerican troops with Europeans who actually want to step into the "quagmire" of Iraq is starting to make sense.

InstaPunk may be able to secure a ring-side seat at the international summit that will be held after a new Kerry-Administration is inaugurated in January, 2005. If so, we'll provide background and continuing reports as the situation develops further.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

What's wrong with Marg.

What do you do if the hairdresser is late?

Friday, October 08, 2004

. . . Old Generations Go
Who will take care of you when you are old? Your children? You better take a good hard look at them. Michigan's WOOD TV 8 (Source Archive) is reporting a story that may be coming to a state near you. Aging nurses and an upcoming demand that may very well exceed the supply of nurses. As baby boomers age, who will wipe their bottoms? There is no fool like an old fool ( Psay.5A.11). Shamadamma.

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