Suicide-Bomber Heaven

A Few Thoughts and an Immodest Proposal

Having sex in heaven isn't exactly a new idea in Islam. The painting at left should demonstrate that the muslim conception of the afterlife has always been pretty, er, lively. Of course, in the old days they spent a lot of this life practicing up for heaven by having plenty of wives and harem girls to lick their souls into shape, so to speak.

There's a much more challenging road facing today's young fanatical Islamist killer. His religion's contempt for the superior sex has resulted in a scarcity of muslim women available for either marriage or harem service. Female infanticide and all those "honor" stonings and beheadings have thinned out the ranks quite a bit. About 30 percent of Arab men, for example, aren't going to be able to find muslim wives. 

It's kind of ironic. If they're ever going to get laid as a good muslim, it's going to be in heaven after they've distinguished themselves by slaughtering a bunch of infidel women and children, but what will they be prepared to do when they get there? Their sexual experience is bound to be nonexistent, and thanks to all those virtuous burkhas, their knowledge of female anatomy is going to be precisely zero.


Women are hard enough to please. What if this were all you knew about them?


This is what passes for porn in Arabia. The 19th century had better smut.


There's no Maxim for Muslims.


And Wahabbi Hustler ain't even a glint in the eye of Ahmed Flynt.

It's a big big problem. Sure, the 21 virgins will be waiting, but by definition, they won't know anything, either. So there's going to be lots of fumbling around and, unless I miss my guess, some very unsatisfactorily deflowered virgins who are likely to turn heaven into a very hellish place indeed for our young killer-hero. Best case, they'll just grump around in frustration, carping and complaining and finding fault until he's rendered miserably impotent. Worst case, they'll desert his perfumed cloud en masse for that of some sophisticated old sheik who died in bed with a 19-year-old wife after spending most of his tme on earth banging harem concubines and delegating the suicide assignments to a series of hapless, one-shot losers. Like you know who. Our poor little dead dickless terrorist.

When you think about it, it explains a lot. It certainly explains why all these unshaven Arab louts are so anxious to volunteer for terror cell duty in the west. Why they're drawn like moths to the bright lights of New York, L.A., and Vegas. (Remember all those reports of the 9/11 jijackers carousing in strip joints?) Like every other horny, clueless virgin geek on earth, they 're desperate to hit the red light district and see all the juicy bits no woman who actually knows them will ever show them.

What they're really here for.

It's not going to work, of course. If this is the best they can do, they'll hit heaven with the sexual know-how of a 13-year-old American boy c. 1960. Pitiful.

They should stay home. And we should help them out by flooding the middle east with state-of-the-art online sex education -- not just stupefyingly huges quantities of muslim porn, but also voluminous Arab-language advice about how to meet women, how to talk to women, how to dress attractively to women, and how to please women in bed.  We should set up online muslim dating services throughout the middle east, reroute all those masochist Russian Brides-for-Sale (not to mention all those Berkeley girls who have such a crush on Palestinians) to Arabia, muslim Africa, and everywhere else Islamic gynocide has created a population of murderous male spinsters. We should help establish a new tradition of the Muslim Spring Break (in sunny Aqqaba?) and flood the bazaars with 'Burkha-Babes Gone Wild' videos by Snoop Dogg. We should jump-start the jihadi hip-hop movement, so that gold-toothed Wahhabis can shout at each other in doggerel about how many ho's they've got in their crib. We should fill up the Peace Corps with our hottest teen sluts and send them out as missionaries to explain to young muslim women that you don't have to wear a burkha, or any clothes at all, really, to get men to treat you like dirt. But if you have a really cute booty and know to shake it, maybe he won't bash you in the head with a rock. Despite the fact they've never been to school, muslim women can't be that much smarter than American girls. They'll see reason eventually. Sooner rather than later probably, especially if we give them a cell phone, an Ipod, and a tattoo on the behind. The mission is too important for half-measures.

It's time, in short, to get all those fanatical idiots laid. Fact is, given the level of intelligence exhibited by the aaverage suicide-bomber-in-training, once they discover how much fun sex on earth is, they'll probably forget all about those 21 virgins in heaven and turn into slightly dumber, worse smelling versions of American middle school boys. You know -- annoying, but essentially harmless, hellbound mall lotharios.

Before you know it, women will be as firmly in charge of the muslim realm as they are everyplace else. The world would be a better place. And heaven would contain a better class of people. Theirs and ours.
Who'd A Thunk It?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is already
leading the vanguard of Burkha porn. We've
got some catching up to do, don't we?

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