A Few Thoughts and an Immodest Proposal
Having sex in heaven isn't exactly a new idea in Islam. The painting at
left should demonstrate that the muslim conception of the afterlife has
always been pretty, er, lively. Of course, in the old days they spent a
lot of this life practicing
up for heaven by having plenty of wives and harem girls to lick their
souls into shape, so to speak.
There's a much more challenging road facing today's young fanatical
Islamist killer. His religion's contempt for the superior sex has
resulted in a scarcity of muslim women available for either marriage or
harem service. Female infanticide and all those "honor" stonings and
beheadings have thinned out the ranks quite a bit. About 30 percent of
Arab men, for example, aren't going to be able to find muslim
It's kind of ironic. If they're ever going to get laid as a good
muslim, it's going to be in heaven after they've distinguished
themselves by slaughtering a bunch of infidel women and children, but
what will they be prepared to do when they get there? Their sexual
experience is bound to be nonexistent, and thanks to all those virtuous
burkhas, their knowledge of female anatomy is going to be precisely
are hard enough to please. What if this were all you knew about them?
It's a big big problem. Sure, the 21 virgins will be waiting, but
by definition, they won't know anything, either. So there's going to be
lots of fumbling around and, unless I miss my guess, some very
unsatisfactorily deflowered virgins who are likely to turn heaven into
a very hellish place indeed for our young killer-hero. Best case,
they'll just grump around in frustration, carping and complaining and
finding fault until he's rendered miserably impotent. Worst case,
they'll desert his perfumed cloud en masse for that of some
sophisticated old sheik who died in bed with a 19-year-old wife after
spending most of his tme on earth banging harem concubines and
delegating the suicide assignments to a series of hapless, one-shot
losers. Like you know who. Our poor little dead dickless terrorist.
This is what passes for porn in
Arabia. The 19th century had
There's no Maxim for Muslims.
And Wahabbi Hustler ain't
even a glint in the eye of Ahmed Flynt.
When you think about it, it explains a lot. It certainly explains why all these
unshaven Arab louts are so anxious to volunteer for terror cell duty in
the west. Why they're drawn like moths to the bright lights of New
York, L.A., and Vegas. (Remember all those reports of the 9/11
jijackers carousing in strip joints?) Like every other horny, clueless
virgin geek on earth, they 're desperate to hit the red light district
and see all the juicy bits no woman who actually knows them will ever show them.
What they're really here for.
It's not going to work, of course. If this is the best they can do,
they'll hit heaven with the sexual know-how of a 13-year-old American
boy c. 1960. Pitiful.
They should stay home. And we
should help them out by flooding the middle east with state-of-the-art
online sex education -- not just stupefyingly huges quantities of
muslim porn, but also voluminous Arab-language advice about how to meet
women, how to talk to women, how to dress attractively to women, and
how to please women in bed. We should set up online muslim dating
services throughout the middle east, reroute all those masochist
Russian Brides-for-Sale (not to mention all those Berkeley girls who
have such a crush on Palestinians) to Arabia, muslim Africa, and
everywhere else Islamic gynocide has created a population of murderous
male spinsters. We should help establish a new tradition of
the Muslim Spring
Break (in sunny Aqqaba?) and flood the bazaars with 'Burkha-Babes Gone
videos by Snoop Dogg. We should jump-start the jihadi hip-hop movement,
so that gold-toothed Wahhabis can shout at each other in doggerel about
ho's they've got in their crib. We should fill up the Peace
Corps with our hottest teen sluts and send them out as missionaries to
explain to young muslim women that you don't have to wear a burkha, or
any clothes at all, really, to get men to treat you like dirt. But if
you have a really cute booty and know to shake it, maybe he won't bash
you in the head with a rock. Despite the fact they've never been to
school, muslim women can't be that
much smarter than American girls. They'll see reason eventually. Sooner
rather than later probably, especially if we give them a cell phone, an
Ipod, and a tattoo on the behind. The mission is too important for
It's time, in short, to get all those fanatical idiots laid. Fact is,
given the level of intelligence exhibited by the aaverage
suicide-bomber-in-training, once they discover how much fun sex on
earth is, they'll probably forget all about those 21 virgins in heaven
and turn into slightly dumber, worse smelling versions of American
middle school boys. You know -- annoying, but essentially harmless,
hellbound mall lotharios.
Before you know it, women will be as firmly in charge of the muslim
realm as they are everyplace else. The world would be a better place.
And heaven would contain a better class of people. Theirs and ours.
A Thunk It?
German Chancellor Angela Merkel is
leading the vanguard of Burkha porn.
got some catching up to do, don't we?
Back to InstaPunk.